Fat First Time Parent
When I first told people I was pregnant it came as a bit of a shock. Firstly because only 4 months prior to falling pregnant I had weight loss surgery ( a story for another time). One of the biggest reactions was that from my family (grandparents to be specific). They refused to talk to me for a few weeks before telling me how disappointed they were that I had “finally started to get my life together, losing weight and now throwing it all away for a baby who wasn’t conceived in a marriage” and yadda yadda etc. I know they are more of a traditional religious standing, but my first expectation from them was going to be shock, and then support and excitement as they would be around to see the next generation of our family as it did end with me. But not, unfortunately it was not that way at first (they have since started to come around to the idea, thankfully). But this wasn’t the only negative reaction I dealt with. Another was an few in-laws reactions which come to now were made out of spite and jealousy. “How do you know it’s even your kid?” Was asked of my partner. “Look at you both, it’ll be cruel to raise a child in such an unhealthy home” seeing as both my partner and I are overweight that it would assumingly make our house automatically unhealthy. “You never wanted kids. You always said it would never happen, so why keep it? There are plenty of women who want kids but can’t and here you are pregnant, never wanting kids. Unfair” While when I was younger, he’ll even until a few years ago I was still with this mentality. People can change their minds and that shouldn’t be held against them. So yes, I lost a few people who I thought were supportive of me along the way. The oh my pregnancy I was adamant on having a caesarean. I told my midwife, my endocrinologist, my doctors and ONGYM about this. None were supportive. They dismissed me because of my weight and BMI (bloody bullshit measuring index if you ask me). I ended up having a caesarean only because spud was in breach. Ridiculous really. My choices should have been heard as it was my body going through this experience. Not only was this an issue to try and get heard about, but other questions and concerns I had were basically fallen on ignorant ears because I was 1) a first time parent and 2) I am FAT. I was told numerous times how they were expecting me to get pre-eclampsia because of my weight. How I needed to exercised more than what the average person should because I was carrying extra weight. I was told that I shouldn’t eat extra calories because it was a myth “eating for two” as I looked as though I was already doing that (I almost punched that dr in the face) I was concerned about my eating habits as I had recently had the gastric sleeve surgery and couldn’t eat more than half a cup of food at a time and I would forget to eat for hours on end because I didn’t get any hunger cues until I was basically starving. So having to force myself to eat every two hours on top of having a baby push on what very little stomach I had left, was becoming more difficult each week, especially towards the end of the third trimester. All my medical team would just wash their hands at my concerns and questions. It was only my surgeon who did my gastric sleeve who took me seriously and helped me with questions I had. Especially when it came to the different medications they wanted me to take. There were conflicting medications and it seemed like they were going to do me and baby harm rather than good, so I was scared and worried and frustrated and stressed which are never good things normally let alone in a pregnancy. So the journey throughout my pregnancy was medically wise very stressful. Skip forward to now that we are happily 3 months postpartum and I’ve had my fair share of comments from both medical professionals and complete strangers who really had no business telling me their opinions. I was shamed by a midwife for not being able to breast feed my baby. “Breast is best. I don’t know why you would taint your child with formula” No. Just, no. Fed is best. End of story. That’s my opinion and I’m sticking to it. No matter what reason if there even is one (which there doesn’t have to be it can just be a personal choice) why someone formula feeds/breast feeds or both, it’s completely up to the parent. I tried breastfeeding for the first two weeks before it became too much of a struggle and I couldn’t produce enough to feed my baby. I used pumps, boobie bikkies, tablets, drinks everything under the sun to try and get a good production of supply but to no avail. I felt like a failure. I felt as though I let my baby down and that I was a terrible and horrible parent. No one should ever feel ashamed about something like this. Especially not from a medical professional who was meant to be “helping”. I had bought a ton of formula about a month before I was due to give birth because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to try breastfeeding at that point. I was shamed for buying a tin in preparation of my new baby. This same midwife rolled her eyes at me and said “so you’re were already planning to bottle/formula feed. You know breastmilk is the best for a newborn. Formula is a terrible substitute”. I felt like the worst parent in the world because I could give my baby the one thing my breasts were meant to do. I cried myself to sleep most nights over it. This shouldn’t have been the case. Again this midwife said my baby was underfed the next time I saw her a few days later, saying he wasn’t getting enough milk. This was all happening within the first two weeks of being home from the hospital, trying to grasp being a parent and how to properly care for my baby. I’d never done this before so I took the advice form a professional in the hopes of being the best parent I can be. So to be told I’m underfeeding my baby while also being shunned for even thinking about using formula to help solve this problem was overwhelming. I ended up breaking down and telling the home midwife service to never come to my house again. They said they were concerned about my baby’s weight and that they had to check up to make sure he was losing too much and become in such a state that he’d need to be hospitalised. I thought I was failing as a parent and started to believe that maybe those people who said I shouldn’t be a parent and I was unfit were right. I was close to just giving up when my Mum who had come down to help for the first two weeks noticed how much stress and depression had taken over me due to this midwife handed me a bottle of formula and told me to feed my baby. I didn’t question her and just started putting the test to bubs mouth. It took a few tries but eventually latched on and started drinking. Tears flowed down my cheeks as I could see how thirsty he was and was content sucking on the bottle. My mum put a hand on my shoulder and looked me dead in the eyes. “You’re doing great. Don’t let some pompous woman who’s never had kids tell you you’re wrong. He’s happy, healthy and fed. You’re doing the best you can” after that, I started to feel less ashamed that I couldn’t breastfeed and was using the bottle. It wasn’t until I had a follow up with my surgeon (gastric sleeve) that he explained to me that with the surgery and the lack of vitiamins due to it, that my body was already working overtime to try and play catch up and that’s why it was harder for me to produce a good enough supply of milk. Regardless of why it happened, I’m happy that someone actually spoke to me in a caring and professional manner. To this day I still get questioned as to why my baby is formula fed and why I chose this etc. Honestly, it’s no one’s business unless it was effecting my child in a negative way. So yeah, being fat and a first time parent has been challenging so far. I am making changes to become more healthy for not only myself but for my baby, but while I’m in this transitional period, people should respect that I’m making the choices that are right for us. So, for now I’ll leave you lovely readers, but I’ll be sure to post more on this wonderful adventure of parenthood in the near future. Stay positive and keep smiling ☺️
