Fernanda Satumbaga Balan
Stories (17)
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Fantasy
To whom I gaze I locked it in. The feelings are suppressed deep down I’ll held it dear. Our eyes will meet over and over again. Only I know I loved you since then. The stares you give every now and then, Is being read and I alone understand. Oh how I wish , this emotion is felt without pain. To tell me it’s okay,we have a chance. Fantasy is all that it is. For I know and you know, you are their where I can’t reach. Fantasy is all I can lived with, I guess it’s enough....For you are in a pedestal while all I can do is to look up. Fantasy is a world that is fit to stay in, for in it I can pretend that we are together............by: Fernanda Satumbaga Balan 05/21/2020
By Fernanda Satumbaga Balan6 years ago in Poets
Love
My heart bleeds for I’ve loved. Love that will never be. I believed when he said he loved me. I believed for he told me the words I wanted to hear. I thought he was sincere, or that’s what I want him to be. Little did I know, it was just lust and nothing more. He use the word love to persuade me. I believe it right away..... Ah, love can make ones crazy, stupid and careless. You made my heart bleed , but it’s ok. For someone will come along to tear yours like you did me................by: Fernanda Satumbaga Balan 05/21/2020
By Fernanda Satumbaga Balan6 years ago in Poets
New Age Begins
Oppression is control. Control is fear. These are the old. The cultures of the world is Aching for change. They want to embrace the unity, equality, prosperity, freedom, peace, happiness of being alive. The oppressor, is a lone entity. Lonely, afraid, and weak. He is driven by his fear. To oppress is to feel superior. Only in reality he is disable. Awaken the soul so that the spirit can be bright. To show the real ability that’s hidden inside. For when it is brought out and the fear is gone. The understanding of the reality is open at hand. To show compassion, humility, emphaty, kindness and love. Taken in by your oppressed people, who in return brings forth forgiveness and healing begins. The soul of the oppressor will be light. And like rain bring flowers to the land and beyond....... by: Fernanda Satumbaga Balan 05/21/2020
By Fernanda Satumbaga Balan6 years ago in Poets
My life
Where do I start? Well I guess I have to say as far as I can remember. The barge is where I lived with my parent and my sister at that time. I was born in Manila Philippines. My father was a sea man. My mother , she was a graduate of the University of the Philippines. An A’s student.. We moved out off there when my brother was born. I remember we own a big store. We had a maid and a nanny. In a way I was a bit spoiled. After having five children we moved again. Father rarely come home so my mother was the one that stand as mom and dad. We were doing fine. Me and my sister was enrolled in a Catholic school. St. Catherine in Tay tay Rizal Philippines. But things change. My father was caught having an affair. Mother was getting only 35.00 pesos a month. The other women was beating her on picking up my dad’s pay. To make the story short , we have to move again . This time in an alley in a dark house no windows. But it was cheap. Mother struggled. Being the oldest, I felt that I had a responsibility to help mother. I found a butcher house nearby. Here they butchered, pigs, cows and horses. No girls allowed. Therefore I had to do something to get in. I wore a khaki shorts, a white T-shirt and a hat. Got in and no one suspected nothing. I was getting in brain, blood, lungs. Until one day. A cow was being butchered and it happened to swing his horn’s towards me. I let out a scream so loud and the man that was helping me for a week already said, your a girl! Needless to say that was my last day. I also learn to go with he street kids that hit the open store at night. When the market was closed. Mind you I was only seven going eighth. Learned how to find ways to bring food for my siblings. Like taking the good boxes to tread for rice cake from the Chinese rice cake place. My whole world changed. We became poor. And I became a street kid. Mother tried so hard . One day I stopped by a neighbor who had a television . It was showing Indians and cowboys. Well , as a kid I couldn’t help but to watched. Then a man inside the Baracade reach out and full my underwear down and stick his tongue on my private. I was so scared I couldn’t move at first. I managed to beak free from my shock. And went home. I never told anyone. Shortly we moved again. This time my mother was able to buy a house, enrolled me and my sister to a private school again. It was run by the Franciscan nuns. The school was just down the street from the Manila Chatedrial. Mother got a job at NASIDA. Until that day l, the nuns told us to go home. The houses was on fire. Me and my sister went home got my brothers and sisters out waited at the street clear of fire. Mother came home and we were transferred to a place called sapang palay. That afternoo, I lined up to get the our supply of food likerice corn meal and dry milk. After like a minute in the line I felt a pain stubbing me on my back. When I look back I saw a man with his private exposed and was masturbating on my back. I run out to where my family was and told my mother and right there she packed our stuff and we left. We stayed with relatives. She leaves in an alley again so we have to use the walkway that goes through this one neighbor. Well it happened that there is this guy that likes to bully us kids. One day he told me that we can go though. So being me i said to him, you don’t own the land. He just stood there and won’t let any of us go through. I went back to the house and Itook the manta rays tail and I weeped him. He took my mom to court. The judge asked how old he was and answered 21 years old . And asked me how old ai was and I said almost Eighth Sir. So the judge said are you doing bullying a kids go home and stop bothering them or you will go to jail. Father came back to our life and this time we move to a province. In Bicol. I did my 6th grade there and even went to high school there. Life was good again. At 14 years of age right after my first year, the year end, I was told that I was going on a vacation to my sister’s house. So I did. A month went by and aI was told that later I’ll go home.. well I end up staying with my sister. She move inside the base due to her husband is a civilian who worked for the lab inside the base. I was 17 going on eighteen then. They went to the U. S. For a vacation. One day a friend of mine that lived around the bend asked me to come meet her fiancée. So me and my cousin went. As I turned around the bend , this two men whistlers. Ignored then, went my friend house and did our visit. That night as I was laying on my bed I heard a knock on the door. My cousin and my sister’s friend opened the door. They wouldn’t leave until they meet me. My cousin called me down. Finally I gave in. We meet . Went back to my bed. Three days later there was a call. The American marine that came to the house who wants to meet me. Invited us to go to the beach. Again to make the story short we end up on the beach. Then another invite. This time to go to the club inside the base. Since my family know the manager, we were able to go in. I got drunk. We went home and everything was spinning. I know I asked for coffee but I was lef with him downs stairs. As he guided me down the floor, I tried fighting but he punched me on my right thigh. My leg drop. He went to try to penetrate me but couldn’t. I still bleed. We were told by my sister to never cause any trouble due in o the captain byhat lives next door reports and my sister being in the U.S., every time he knocked he was let in. And my people that is supposed to be with me, well. He repeatedly rape me. And told me that he will kill me if I told anyone. My sister came bake and noticed the change in me and I finally talked. That night I tried to end my life. But my brother in law caught me. The admiral was called he was reported. We were going to court. He said to me that if I send him to the Philippine prison, I might as well kill him. A week before the actual court, my layer talked to me and asked me if Im ready. He told me that because I lived in a town where there are lots of working girls that the court will make it sound like I asked for it, that I enjoyed it, that I initiated it. I got scared. I told him I don’t want to go through it all. In 1976 I came to the U.S. In two years I meet my first husband so I thought. To make it short, we got married in The States of a Nevada. Had kids with him and all those time I was again abused. You name it I was raped, photographed, emotionally, physically,verbally,mentally and had guns place between my eyes. I was belittled, called names I didn’t even know. After 21 years I got out and had an annulment. He was still married to his first wife.......
By Fernanda Satumbaga Balan6 years ago in Families
Belonging
Lost are you? Bored out of you existence. Life has dealt you a rotten one and you need to belong. Poverty is all around you. The streets is a jungle. You have no choice but to prove to your self that you mean something. Your family, they are caught in the situation too. There’s only one way, the boys . They hold strong. Money , have no problem about that. They do what ever, when ever, to whom ever. They take you in. No hesitation so long that you pass the their rituals of acceptance. When you do your in. I wonder? At that moment if you asked your self. Is this what I want. Am I doing the right thing? Well to late you belong! You belong to a group. A group that’s brutal. They have no empathy. They are worse than animals. And you belong. You attached your self and the only way out is death. Because you belong.......... by: Fernanda Satumbaga Balan 05/21/2020
By Fernanda Satumbaga Balan6 years ago in Poets
