Everyday Junglist
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About me. You know how everyone says to be a successful writer you should focus in one or two areas. I continue to prove them correct.
Stories (709)
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So You Think You Want to Write Humor and Satire?
Author's prepreface: I published this on Vocal two years ago, and on Medium before that, but thought I would resurrect it yet again with just a few changes for Vocal's new Writing community. Hopefully it will get at least a few more views there then it has anywhere else. I happen to think it is quite funny.
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Writers
The Reason I Will Never Make any Money Writing
Author's preface: Hopefully now fully approved. lol! If you are anything like me (trust me, you are not), then you suck at writing. That said, just because you suck at something doesn’t mean you can’t make shit tons of cash by doing it. Look at this very website (Vocal.media). There are a few truly great writers who regularly contribute, some pretty darn good ones, a few more OK ones, a shit ton of average or below average ones, and the remaining who probably make up just over 51% of the writing population here, the terrible, horrible, downright craptastic ones. Oh, and then there’s me. I will leave it to the reader to decide where I fit in on that sliding scale of trainwreckage, but that is really beside the point. The point is that there are a boatload of writers in that 51% who are making gobs and gobs of cash by writing. Yep, you read that correctly, you don’t have to be one of the greats, or average, or any good at all, to fulfill your dreams of endless bags of cocaine and supermodel blowjobs by the gross, through writing. Female dreams and your own dreams may differ slightly from mine of course. And, no, btw, that is not my dream in case you were wondering. I was just trying to be funny, and failing terribly, as is my typical style, and a pretty good example of just how bad I suck at writing.
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Writers
A Warning About Warning
Warning by Jenny Joseph was written in 1961 and, unlike its main character, has not aged well. It's vision of rebellion which features wearing non-matching clothes and trampling flowers in your neighbors garden is so anodyne as to be offensive considering what was happening in the counterculture of the time.
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Critique
Brink of War
Author pre pre-preface: I think everything is now sorted, and while I did publish this story earlier with a different title, I am publishing it again with this title as a test and because it links to the earlier pieces in the series in the author's preface below. Why not just add the links to the other version you published Dan? you might be asking if you are not hopelessly confused or totally clueless or just pissed off at me right now. Great question, would be my reply. lol!
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Fiction
Can We Stop Writing Stories with Titles That Are Questions Now Please?. Top Story - August 2023.
Author's preface: Another story that was mysteriously not approved for publication the first time around. Somehow my account got flagged as AI or spam. Flattered but obviously not true. I am a real person I can assure you of that. Also, there is no such thing as AI, but that is a topic for a different article. LOL!
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Writers
The Whisphering Video
In a certain country there was once great lamentation over a deadly virus that caused great sickness, killed much of its people, and laid waste its economy. The President promised a large reward to anyone who would free the land from this plague; but the virus was able to mutate so quickly that no one could develop a medicine which could stop it. At last the President gave notice that whosoever should develop a medicine or vaccine that could kill or stop the virus should have his only daughter to wife.
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Fiction
Tales of the Goddess
"And what is your opinion, Goddess?" Baj immediately regretted those words coming out of his mouth for he knew the answer he would get even before it escaped the rouge red, pouty lips of the Goddess. It was one of her favorite pith philosophical observations on the nature of Gods and mortals, and no matter how often she said it (a lot) it also pleased her to no end and irked the ever living shit out of Baj. This is no doubt one of the reasons she took so much delight in saying it. "Gods and Goddesses do not have opinions mortal, for once we say something it is a fact." Baj groaned out loud and snorted drawing a look from the Goddess that could freeze the ocean and a sharp snap of pain across his mind as she punished him with a mental slap. It stung, much worse than an actual whip, which is what it was meant to emulate. This was how the Goddess maintained control of her servants. Of course, that same whip could be used to deliver great pleasure as well, great pleasure. As to what either did for the Goddess Baj could not say, but in this instance at least the ability to punish must have brought her some satisfaction for she smiled and laughed wickedly as he winced in pain, dropping to one knee from the force of it. "Do not forget your place mortal. Do not mock your Goddess. Ever." He glared up at her from his one knee and replied quietly "Of course Goddess, Please forgive me my insolence. Sometimes I forget just how holy and exalted you actually are." The Goddess smiled, pleased at his words of contrition even though they were said without a shred of earnesty. Even after untold milennia of living among mortals she still struggled mightily to grasp the concepts of sarcasm and irony. This fact gave Baj much pleasure and he constantly mocked the Goddess in ways she thought of as genuine admiration and praise. It was one of the very few ways he had of fighting back against the barrage of minor humilations she threw in his direction.
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Fiction
Tales of the Goddess
"The whore Aphrodite has vexed me again." Baj winced at the mention of the Goddess Aphrodite. As with Athena, Elyria held a strange fascination bordering on obsession with the Goddess of love, but, unlike with Athena, for Aphrodite, Elyria bore no admiration or grudging respect. Instead she expressed only contempt and a deep seated hatred and jealousy. Whenever her name was spoke aloud he knew he was in for a long winded tirade describing the many faults and shortcomings of Aphrodite and her hordes of "zombies" as Elyria referred to the unfortunate men, who, like himself had been pressed into service of a Goddess mostly against their will. Although his own forced servitude was painful and humiliating, when he thought of Aphrodite's zombies he was thankful for his own fate. Unlike Elyria, when Aphrodite enslaved a man she took not only his body and spirit, but also robbed him of his mind. They became like empty shells, not able to think for themselves, or act in any way without the express approval of Aphrodite herself. Only breathing without permission was allowed. The zombies could not eat, bathe, or even piss or shit without first asking Aphrodite. Many of her men died of starvation or disease, not for lack of food or clean clothes and shelter but because the Goddess simply forgot, or actively withheld, approving their ability to eat or to bath themselves. For a man like Baj, it would be a fate worse then death. After giving Elyria a moment to compose herself Baj dared ask somewhat impertinently "What has she done this time Goddess?" Elyria fumed at the question, her cheeks reddening a bit, biting down softly on her lower pouty lip before replying sharply "Several of her zombies have managed to infiltrate my great temple at Ephaistos and stolen one of my Elyrian spears." The spears were powerful weapons indeed. When thrown by the Goddess they could travel many miles at speeds approaching that of sound, and they always found their target. They were said to have been forged of purissimum argentum by the great dwarven silversmith Skardak Forgehelm and had been given to the Goddess as a gift by the dwarven demiGod AnKaris whose love for Elyria was legendary, at least in the mind of the Goddess. In reality, AnKaris was something of a player having impregnated at least three Goddesses including Elyria in the span of less than 100 years. A timeframe that for a mortal would equate to someething like a week. One of the other impregnated Goddesses happend to be Aphrodite, a fact that no doubt contributed at least in part to Elyria's seething jealousy and hatred for her. "The great temple at Ephaistos is one of your strongholds Goddess. How could they manage such a thing?" Baj asked with only the slightest hint of sarcasm, which, of course the Goddess either did not, or pretended not, to notice. The so called "great" temple at Ephaistos, was, like many of the Goddesses temples only great if you considered a run down rock strewn former castle guesthouse, overrun by weeds and dikon lizards great. On a good day it boasted a contingent of no more than 20 of Elyria's servants and supplicants. Those few that did "live" at the "great" temple were typically of less than sound mind and body and many stayed only because they were given three meals a day and a stack of hay upon which to sleep whenever they did. The fact that they were also forced to spend up to 8 hours a day attending courses and listening to lectures describing in excrutiating detail the philosophy of hope and love espoused by the Goddess caused most of the homeless to quickly decide a life on the streets was preferable. "According to reports they disguised themselves as supplicants desiring to learn of my philosophy of hope and love. They said they had heard of my many wise teachings and great beauty and were so enthralled they immediately began a pilgrimage to the nearest temple dedicated to me so they might pledge themselves as supplicants." "And your temple guards believed that obviously made up story?" Baj sneered, then immediately regreted his words when he saw the anger twinged with hurt on the Goddesses face. Then he felt the pain, the sting of the mental whip she stung him with. He dropped to a knee and gasped as he always did whenever she punished him in this way. The pain was significant and severe and in this particular case she had struck him hard, very hard. "Of course they believed it. Such a thing is a very common occurrence at my many temples human. Now get up and shut up. It is time for us to leave." the Goddess spat angrily "To where do we head Goddess?" Baj asked timidly, still regaining his senses and a bit off balance from the whipping he had just recieved. "To the great temple at Ephaistos of course. Where else?" As they set off to gather their belongings for the long trip west to Ephaistos Baj fumed in anger at the Goddess for the punishment. It was not deserved and unjust, arbitrary and capricious and he hated the Goddess for it each and every time she did it. And yet, it was not the anger in her eyes that he remembered when he replayed in his mind what had just transpired, but rather the hurt. Surprisingly he found himself regretting what he had said because of the pain he had caused. He was sorry for the small seed of self doubt he had sown in her mind with his comment. Quickly he reprimanded himself. She is an evil creature Baj, not to be trusted, only to be used as I need her, nothing more he thought, and he almost believed it too.
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Fiction
It is With Much Regret That I Must Inform You I Cannot Accept the Position of Your Boyfriend
Author's note: This piece was originally published on another website, from which I have since been permanently banned, as a satirical response to a (semi) humorous piece by the writer Lizzie Logan on that same site. The link to the original post is here and I highly encourage you to read that first as it helps to frame my response in the appropriate light. I happened to stumble across it in my archives, and despite being five years old now I think it still holds up fairly well though, ultimately, I guess that is for you, the reader, to decide. In any event. Enjoy!
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Filthy
