There is absolutely nothing sexy or glamourous about potty training a 2 year old. 

To be completely honest. I've had it easy. All of my girls trained so easily at 2. One of them even trained herself - just woke up one morning and told me she was going to use the potty, and did. So I had my expectations high for day one. I went into day one with joyful, ignorant, naive enthusiasm. If the sweetness of my voice over telling Stank Face McGee that it was potty day was the glaze for a doughnut I would have caused an instant cavity. 

I excitedly pulled out her panties and showed her it was time for big girl day. I showed her the potty. I showed her how her stuffed animal friends could sit on the potty. I sang songs about the potty. I was Mary Fucking POTTY-poppins all day. Stank Face McGee was having none of it. 

You would think this kid was a WW2 vet who stormed the beaches of Normandy whose now in a nursing home and being "forced" to use the restroom against her will, and to top it all off she thinks you're an SS spy. She screams "NO you Nazi scum" in your face and throws her pudding at you as if it were a grenade. 

She kicked the potty and told me no pee pee on more than one occasion. Her She-Hulk ass PICKED UP the potty and carried it to the other side of the room and told me to put it away. She cried. I cried. I got peed on. The carpet got peed on. The couch got peed on. Pee and tears absolutely everywhere. And the afternoon exploded like the first A bomb. The kids all got home from their first day of school. The senior needed to go to work. The other three were the hyenas in the lion king - talking and laughing and ready to eat anything in sight that looked even remotely appetizing, but Curly Sue had a rash from who knows what - bugs, grass, or the allergy she has to cleaning her room - and needed a shower... but it was clogged, so I'm snaking the drain and what should happen but Stank Face McGee pees on the floor, slips in it, has a total melt down, and this one person that I am, juggling all the things, was about to drop them all. I sent the senior outside to my husband and said "Go with God", got Snuggie to clean up the hallway mess, got the shower going and tub draining with a crying baby in my arms calmed down with a popsicle, pee all over me.... and I'd forgotten to buy wine at the grocery store the day before. 

She went to bed and I just sat. still. silent. in defeat. I couldn't even write. I was up until 1 am frantically googling ideas, none of which were helpful, and ready to wave the white flag and give it another month if necessary. 

I don't know if it was my prayers, a willing her through osmosis, or the fact that her manipulative toddler self knew she had me cornered, but day two her bipolar toddler highness decided we're okay going on the potty. Maybe it was the fact that in a stroke of desperative brilliance I threw some cheerios in the potty and told her she could pee on them, and she thought it was hysterical. So there we were all day long, tossing three of four cheerios into this tiny pink potty, peeing on them, and then dancing like we're at a rave. And I could breathe ... but still no wine - not brave enough to leave the house yet.

Day three was today and we went to Target first thing this morning on a mission of encouragement and congratulations. She picked out Hello Kitty panties, got her first cake pop ever from the Target Starbucks, and I got a flat white with an extra shot. We looked through the dollar spot, grabbed a couple of grocery items, and left the store accident free... and without wine. Why do I do this to myself?  

She went to bed like an angel tonight so I ran up to 7-11 - the cashier behind the counter dancing to shaboozy and I brought up a bottle of one of my go-to wines and even danced a long and told her how much I love that song. I hope it made her night a little bit. As I left the door was held open for me by a smiling bearded gentleman, too young and thin to be Santa Clause, but whose gesture in that moment gave me such a nice gift - after this long long week of parenting, to have someone do even the slightest something that takes even the tiniest of efforts of of you, just to be kind and thoughtful, means so so much. I'm glad I had forgotten my wine so I could experience the dancing at the check out, and kindness of a stranger. 

Gabe Pierce

8/23/2024: To Potty or Not To Potty, that is the question

The Not-So-Secret Secret Diary of Ellie Hoovs

There is absolutely nothing sexy or glamourous about potty training a 2 year old. 

To be completely honest. I've had it easy. All of my girls trained so easily at 2. One of them even trained herself - just woke up one morning and told me she was going to use the potty, and did. So I had my expectations high for day one. I went into day one with joyful, ignorant, naive enthusiasm. If the sweetness of my voice over telling Stank Face McGee that it was potty day was the glaze for a doughnut I would have caused an instant cavity. 



8/23/2024: To Potty or Not To Potty, that is the question

The Not-So-Secret Secret Diary of Ellie Hoovs

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