Eldresah Hughes

No One Told Me.

No one told me how hard being the lifeline for another human being really is. Well... they did, but not really. They tell you about the sleepless nights and the nonstop crying, never being able to go to the bathroom by yourself again, and having to watch everything that you say and do because they are always watching. But no one talks about how you literally have to choose between showering, pooping or eating. No one tells you how the "village" is still working their 9-5 so who are you supposed to call when you're about to break? You're expected to be able to mentally, physically, and emotionally take care of this little, helpless human, not to mention yourself when in all reality you just a mere child all on your own. Do you call the father? Maybe the grandmother? What about your best friends that have been so supportive throughout this whole life change? No. You can't call anyone. Everyone is busy. Work rules the lives of everyone you know. Can you blame them? Rent is through the roof and gas just keeps going up, God forbid they decide to buy themselves a present. Times like this I hate being an American, other countries at least act like they care about the well-being of a new mother. Here, we're just expected to suffer alone in silence but when you end up with depression then clearly you're the problem. Why is this so hard? Why do I feel so guilty for drowning? Where is my village?? Where is my sanity? I miss being me. I miss reading and writing. I miss shopping and making my own money. I miss going to the movies and wanting to be touched by my husband. Oh God, my husband! Why do I have to figure out things for my husband? Dinner and laundry and bottles and dishes. Why can't he just come home and see where I am? Why do I have to spell out what I need? I need a nap and a shower and food. I need to breathe without being touched for just a minute. I need to sleep in my bed without being startled awake by a teething baby. I hate being the first one up and the last one to go to bed and then being judged for being tired and cranky. "Sleep when the baby sleeps", they say. How? How do I sleep when the baby sleeps? I still have to pump, and shower. I never got to poop and the dishes are still in the sink. He's home. He's home and all I've done is keep our child alive and cry. He sees the breast pump that I never got to and the dishes in the sink. He sees the house is a mess and I'm still in my pajamas. He wonders what I've done all day. I've done my best. I've done my best and that's okay. I tried and I'm still learning, this is new to me after all. Tomorrow is a new day with new opportunities. Tonight, I will tell him how I feel, again, and this time I will be heard! I couldn't make this baby by myself, why on earth should I be expected to care for them alone. I deserve peace and time. I deserve grace and love. I demand it! I will have what I need or I will get rid of the people that can't provide it. This will take time but I can do this. I did create life using just my body, surely I can sustain myself using that very same body.