Eklektik Paradigm

Some advice

Years ago I realized that I have no chances with a person so dear to me. At first I thought it was in the smile, but that really wasn't true. It was in the things someone else said to me that day, it was explained to me the first second I heard it. Actually it was only two names I heard and I understood that there's no place for me in those spaces I once thought were kept for me by the people I loved and cared for them. And then the smile came in. I suddenly knew that it was over. No words, just a smile made me come to this conclusion that it's done. And although the other words echo everyday in my head for the last year and a half like a serenade on a beautiful summer day, it is hard to believe that it will ever come true. But it is true. Being called a specific word when you're even not that to them is something special and it got me hooked. For a long time. Probably even now while I'm writing this. Actually I'm sure of it that it's still here. Everything I wanted to do is to give love and no matter if I'm doing it (or at least trying) every day, it doesn't really come to life if it's not to that someone we hold close to us, no matter how distant they may be from you. A while back I realized that forcing something does not make it come closer to you, rather takes you further away from that. Learned that the hard way. I admit I messed up quite bad, even though it may not seem that way, but it's true. I do regret it, but at the same time I acknowledge it as this is my punishment for doing it in the first place. And the most hard part is that someone you held close for so long (I don't mean just in this lifetime but others before (here's where not everybody will see this as the truth, but those of you who know what I 'm talking about, know what I mean) doesn't recognize you anymore and that's where all that pain comes from. When you know exactly who they are but they don't see you as you were seen before. And if nothing else, in the end, if they're happy where they are in life right now, it makes me happy. I might not acknowledge it as happiness right now because it's not beside me as everybody expects (even I do or at least I did) it to be, telling me to be patient and that eventually it will come to pass my way in the exact living being..I don't know. I think they're just messing with my head at times, but if everybody sees the same thing....I don't know..I try to forget everything that was, but it's a little bit hard. Everybody who knows me, know that I don't stick around if there's nothing to be done about it and it doesn't have a great future ahead. But this, this "magic". I can't describe to you how I feel when I see it. It draws me in like a moth to a flame and I can't resist it. As much as I try to, I can't. Even though I haven't got a chance in the world, my hope never dies. As much as I try to get away from it, it keeps coming back, every time stronger and more persistent than the last time and every time I try to shake it off, it just keeps getting stronger than before. Like I said, if they're happy with where they are now, it makes me happy, even though it's not within my presence. But I've learned something that you can't give something to someone that you can't give it to yourself, let it be whatever, but it mostly it comes down to love.