Dragon

Understanding the Emotions.

Made September 15, 2020 I’m sad yes but I’m more angry. I’m angry how everyone keeps telling the “drama is over” or “passed” and that I should talk to you, you are my mother. All I wanna do is scream where were you but I know the answer to that. You sat back and watched him almost hit me, you watched me sobbing and shaking against a wall terrified. You listened to every name he called me and every time he put me down telling me how I don’t know anything, nothing I do is right, I’m a failure and people wouldn’t be proud of me. Everyone says “it’s over” what’s over? You being upset I put my safety first? It doesn’t change everything that happened. It doesn’t change how I tried to tell you I was scared and you blew it off, it doesn’t change the fact you couldn’t accept the same things happened to my brother but I was over reacting. Doesn’t change I made the decision to get out because I couldn’t physically take it anymore, it was between leaving and ending my life. It doesn’t change after I left you threatened to put me in an insane asylum because I was always thinking negative and I was suppose to ignore him because he got mad when I “made stupid decisions”, you threatened to take me off the health plan knowing I had a heart condition, telling my 14 year old sister if she had any contact with me or I was around the house you would kick her out. Even after I’m gone you tried to control everything I do. I have been gone 5 months and you have made absolutely no move to try to contact me. Everyone says I should talk to you but when have you been my mother lately. 5 fucking months and you have no idea what’s happening with me, but I’ve heard all about the things you say about me and I’m not going to let you guys get into my head again and shut me up. Yes it hurts but I’m more angry, I’m angry you were suppose to protect me, angry that you tried taking my sisters away from me, my own brother won’t even talk to me because of what you’ve said to him and I barely speak to my sisters, I’m angry how much you’ve talked shit about me and so many hurtful disrespectful things but now that’s you’ve calmed down it’s all alright. I’m fucking angry that I even had to have the thought of ending my life because I couldn’t take it anymore! I couldn’t take the constant mental and emotional abuse. I’m angry you think you can call yourself my “mom” like nothing happened. No matter how much I don’t wanna admit it he’s scarred me. I’ve seen my older brother pinned again a wall. Him Screaming and crying how he threatened to put a gun to his head. I’ve watched him smack my sister when she was 5 years old so hard it was there for days. I’ve had to hold my younger sister sobbing in my arms telling her it would be ok but I couldn’t stay there anymore, hearing her beg me to not leave her broke me even more. I don’t handle conflict well, I cower and get scared when people yell or even think someone is upset. Even after I left my mouth automatically knows to shut up and just say “yes; I understand; ok”. I always second guess most of everything I do after hearing for years I don’t know how to do anything and I’m a failure. I’m angry that there are so many stories I could tell, I’m angry that till this day I still am afraid. I’m angry you think I can forget everything you sat back and watched happen.