Destiny rios
Bio
hello! My name is Destiny! I am an author, photographer, and nature lover! I want to change the world. Nice to meet you
Stories (4)
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Expiration Date
When I was a child I wanted to change the world. That sounds incredibly cliche, but genuinely ever since I was a child I have always wanted to change the world. There has always been something inside of me longing to make a difference and to be remembered for something important. I wanted to have my photo in the textbooks beside all of the greats. I wanted to be on tv, in magazines, anywhere you could think of. I wanted to be there. Then it all just stopped. When I started middle school, I was excited and hopeful that when I was older I would be someone.By the first month I started to become someone I didn’t like. The year I started middle school I started showing signs of mental health issues. I would go to the nurse often because I constantly felt like I was having a heart attack and that I was going to die. These were panic attacks but at the time they just felt like looming death. What made it even worse is that everyone around me told me that I was lying to get out of class or that I was being dramatic. I was told to calm down when I felt like my world was falling apart. That was the moment when my spark went away. I no longer cared about changing the future because I no longer planned to be apart of it. I was 12 the very first time I truly felt like life wasn’t worth living. At this point I didn’t think I would live past 18 years old. I was experiencing extreme depression and anxiety, along with ptsd from foster care and being abused as a child. I was also constantly bullied in school because I was extremely different. I was the weirdo and I didn’t understand why. I still don’t quite understand why. As middle school ended and high school started once again I was hopeful that things would be different. I thought maybe I could be different. It turned out that I was still the same weirdo from middle school that nobody liked. My mental illness was only getting worse and not a single doctor would take it seriously. Not a single doctor would listen to me. I felt so alone. Nobody understood me. Once again I was counting down the moments till I had enough courage to finally be done living. I always wished that I could experience the movie “It’s a wonderful life” I wanted to see what would happen if I died. I wanted to know if anyone would mourn me. I wanted to know if any of my bullies would suddenly feel sadness for me, or if any of the teachers would regret not listening to me. I would play different scenarios in my head where I would imagine different peoples reaction to my death. It wasn’t a very good coping skill, but it was extremely distracting. Two years into my highschool career I decided to move schools to see if that would help. It was one of the best decisions of my life. I was finally the weight and size I wanted to be, I met my future husband, I was finally in a place with my mental health that I felt stable. I finally started to have hope again that I might be able to live a long and happy life. I started actually planning my future this year for the first time in a long time. All my future goals were silly and Naive but at least they were there. This peace lasted a few years and then everything started to crumble. I decided that I wanted to go to college and get a theatre degree because I now had a will to live and a will to thrive again. I wanted to live my dreams. The moment college started everything begin to crumble at my feet. I started sleeping all day, I was skipping all of my classes and hanging out with horrible people. I only ended up going to college for a single semester and all of my hope for a future was officially gone However, on the bright side side my expiration date had been pushed forward because I was older than 18. At this point I didn’t think I would make it past 21. After I left college I decided to get a job. I started working at Hobby Lobby and actually quite enjoyed it. I was losing weight again, I was making friends, my mental health was starting to become stable again, but this job was only a seasonal one so it didn’t last very long. After I left Hobby Lobby I got a job at my very first call center. I would work at 4 more call centers after that one before I would swear off call canters entirely. I actually quite enjoyed my job. I was getting paid pretty well, I was still living with my parents so I didn’t have bills and I could spend my money however I wanted. In hindsight I wish I would have saved all my money, but when you are struggling with mental illness and have no idea when you are going to snap saving money seems pointless if you have no future to save for. This was actually the first year that I had officially decided that it was expiration date. I decided it was over. My mental pain was too painful and I couldn’t do it anymore. However, a faulty weapon and a brief moment of clarity extended it indefinitely. This was the first time I actually felt crazy. I’m not crazy but, I ended up in a mental institution and because of all the stigma around them I thought only crazy people end up in those. I was terrified and alone but for the first time in my entire life I felt like people were taking my mental illness seriously. I finally got the diagnosis that I had been waiting forever for. Bipolar Disorder. I was terrified when my doctor uttered those two words. I was filled with fear, confusion, hatred for my self, but the strongest emotion I was feeling was relief. For the first time ever I finally felt like I wasn’t being dramatic or lying. I could finally take the time I needed to heal. I was in there for a week and the entire time all I could think about was going back to work. my expiration date has constantly loomed in front of me. Even after my diagnosis I still didn’t think I would live past 21. The next few years were a blur. I was in and out of therapists and doctors trying to find something that worked. Some meds worked for a while but they would always stop working after a while. I was numb and every day felt like I was living a life that wasn’t mine. I felt unattached to my body. Before I knew it I was driving to Vegas for my 21st birthday with my parents. I did it I had made it. I still didn’t expect to make it till 25 but I was getting to celebrate a milestone and I got to live in that exact moment. My 21st birthday in Vegas actually scared me into wanting to live longer. I was in Vegas during the shooting that happened. It was absolutely horrible and this was actually the first time since my brief point of stability in highschool that I wanted to live. I ended up quitting the job I had because it was making my mental health worse and for few weeks I started planning my future again. This moment of Hope however was extremely short lived. I am now 25 years old. When I turned 23 years old, I finally started to have hope again and my expiration date has been blank in my brain for the last 2 years. I am still nowhere near stable, but I married my highschool sweetheart. I finally have a job I enjoy and I can finally picture a future that has me in it. It is also a lot less vague than before. Finally being able to see yourself in the future is the best feeling for someone who has always lived in the moment. The future is extremely overwhelming and scary because I didn’t save money for it, I didn’t expect it to come. I never figured out the career I wanted because I didn’t expect to need one. Finally deciding that you want to see yourself in the future is stressful by itself but even more so when you do so in the beginning of a pandemic, Planning your future when the world is falling apart feels extremely naive and maybe a little bit too hopeful. I am also trying to lose weight to be healthier but I have developed an eating disorder and that makes it a million times harder. I am trying not to be so hard on myself but when I see all these people my age or younger having careers and having babies it makes me feel like I am way off track of where I need to be. Sometimes I need to take a deep breath and realize that younger me would be celebrating that we are still here. I have overcome a lot and i’m still constantly drowning in mental instability. I need to look at myself with the gentle perspective of my younger self, I need to take a step back and just be happy to be here.
By Destiny rios 4 years ago in Psyche
Being Me
I expect great things from myself. However, I feel like I have failed at nearly everything I have attempted. I am meant for greatness. I know how cliche that sounds but it is true. I am not meant to just sit in some office or taking phone calls for some company that doesn’t care about me. I want to change the world. I want to make a difference! I wake up every single day and think about how I can possibly become who I am supposed to be before I am too old. I am 24 years old and I feel like I am quickly losing time to be who I want to be. There are so many things that I want to do in life and I haven’t accomplished a single one of them! Or so I thought. I have many dreams that I am extremely passionate about and they all feel so far away. My first dream is to be a famous photographer. I dream about being a famous author, I dream about being a social media influencer and a mental health advocate. Having so many big ambitions quickly becomes extremely overwhelming to the point that it’s hard for me to even attempt any of them, especially with my adhd I don’t even know where to begin! No matter how many videos I make, stories I write, or pictures I take I feel like I am not making headway with any of it. Some days I feel like I am destined to be like Vincent Van Gogh, only appreciated once I am gone from this earth. This thought haunts me often and even though it sounds horrific it honestly brings me peace knowing that even if I am never appreciated while alive my light might live on and my passion and art might outlive me. My absolute biggest dream is to change the world in some way which I think I have. Maybe not in the huge way I had always imagined, but in a bunch of small ways. I will continue to push myself to follow my dreams and to be the person I know I am meant to be but sometimes I need to remember to look at all the small accomplishments along the way and realize that maybe I haven’t failed as many times as I thought I had. Maybe I have accomplished more in life than I think and maybe just maybe I will be who I want to be long before I am gone. Maybe there is someone out there who is my biggest fan and I don’t even know it. Maybe I am doing better than I think. It is possible that I am being too hard on my self, but I see all of the people I went to school with accomplishing so many things in their life and I feel so far behind. I am not going to quit trying and fighting to be the person I know I can be, but sometimes I just want to give in and be who society wants me to be. Society wants me to be invisible, it wants be to be compliant and it doesn’t want me to question anything. That’s just not who I am. Some day I will be who I want to be and maybe that someday is closer than I think. Maybe I have already began to become the person I was meant to be and I just haven’t realized it yet. Maybe I will accomplish everything that I want to accomplish. All I know is that I will never stop working hard on becoming the person I know I can be. I will wake up every single day with a plan of action on how I am going to get further in my plans. Sometimes I forget to just enjoy the moment because I am too distracted by the future and how I want it to be. Maybe enjoying the moment will help me become who I want to be. How do I find the fine line between looking too far into the future and just enjoying the moment? How can I do both? How can I enjoy the moment when all I can think about is that I am no where near where I want to be in life? Maybe I need to stop for a moment, take a breath and realize that living in that moment and doing what I love today will help me become who I want to be. Life is just so vast and so stressful, knowing I will never have enough time on this earth to accomplish everything I want. Hopefully one day I can look in the mirror and see the person I have anyways wanted to be, but today I think I’m just going to look in the mirror and love who I am.
By Destiny rios 5 years ago in Humans
Could I BE More Obsessed?
I’ll be there for you! When I was around 12 years old, I watched my very first episode of Friends. I don’t remember which episode it was, but I have seen the entire series at least 10 times since. I have rarely watched it in order. Most of the times I watched was super late at night when everyone else was asleep and I couldn’t sleep due to my insomnia. I waited patiently for all of the kid shows to end and even though I was still a child myself I would binge watch Friends, George Lopez, and The Nanny long into the wee hours of the morning. Friends, of course was my absolute favorite of the bunch. Watching them episode after episode hoping that some day I would be able to have a group of friends just like them! You see I was never the type of person to have friends. I dreaded going to school each day, because everyone there hated me and I never figured out why. Friends was an escape from reality for me. Due to past traumas I had developed ptsd by the time I was 11 and it was one of the ways I chose to cope with it. Watching the Friends laugh their way out of every situation really helped shape who I am today. I know that Friends is very controversial for its occasional fat phobia, slight homophobia, misogynistic nature, but as a child I never saw any of that. The only thing I saw was 6 friends who genuinely care about each other and I wanted that more than anything. Now that I am older and I have seen the entire show multiple more times, I finally understand most of the jokes and references they make. I can also tell now that there are a ton of problematic moments that would never fly in today’s society and for good reason! However, for its time I feel it was a very progressive show that tackled many topics that no one else would dare tackle. I am now 24 years old. I am getting married next year and I still don’t have the Friend group I have always wanted, but I know that when I am feeling overwhelmed I can always turn on Friends and for a brief period of time it feels like I am one of them. I still tear up every time Monica and Chandler finally get engaged, I still sing along to Smelly Cat and clap along to the theme every single time it comes on. I still wish I could try that supposedly very delicious Cheesecake and Ross’s “Moist Maker” sandwich. I still wish I could go to Central Perk with my Friends and talk about our problems together and celebrate our accomplishments. I wish I could get life advice from Pheobe. I wish I could get a hug from Joey. I wish I could be told a joke by Chandler. I wish I could go shopping with Rachel and talk about science with Ross. A couple of years ago I started watching the show with my future Sister in Law and now she is hooked as well. It is now something we can relate to and discuss at length. We both don’t really like Ross all that much, but we both absolutely love the story. No matter how old you are or how many times you have seen it, Friends will never get old. Every single time they put their keys on the counter and leave forever, it breaks my heart, but then I remember all I have to do is start over and watch poor Rachel run inside Central Perk in her wedding dress and enjoy the magic all over again.
By Destiny rios 5 years ago in Humans
Finding Happiness
I woke up today. It doesn’t seem like such a big deal to most people but, I was desperately trying to manifest myself out of existence in my sleep. I turned my alarm clock off and picked up my cellphone. “Zero new messages” I sighed, unsurprised but still disappointment.I got out of my bed and decided to take a quick shower when I heard the doorbell ring. I opened the door and no one was there, but I did see a beautiful purple box on the doorstep. It had an orange bow and a green envelope with my name on it. I quickly took the box inside out of fear that I was being watched. I slowly opened the box, anxious that something was about to pop out at me. For a girl who doesn’t care about being alive I sure do fear a lot of things. Inside the box was this beautiful black journal and a check. I opened the notebook and it was completely blank. I sat back confused but picked up the check and suddenly I couldn’t breathe. I started shaking and panicking. The check was for 20 thousand dollars! I sat back in utter disbelief and confusion but, I still decided to open the letter. It read
By Destiny rios 5 years ago in Humans
