Deborah Jensen-Bergen

THE LITTLE BLACK BOOK

As I looked out my large picture window at the stained glass of an established church, I wondered what had become of my best friend. She had currently won a lottery of “a big sum of money”...married and vacationed in Mexico! The previous year had been torn by health and race issues in the media and locally for everyone in the entire world. Women, with the “glass ceiling” still intact, slowly and bravely climbed the steps to be equal to man. My beautiful, super intelligent, and street smart girlfriend had been on this journey since I met her, some thirty years prior. I had chosen (with my spouse) to be a stay at home mother. That allowed me time to be of service to my community, volunteering help and raising monies to save precious historical sites. As a psychiatric nurse by trade, I was ever mindful of how my actions would affect my daughters. Of course this didn’t always work out a positive—remembering “brownies” found atop refrigerator when girls return from college...”Mother!!-what the heck?!?” As my friend continued to pursue her dream of becoming president of a college, which, by the way-she accomplished and was deemed the President that remembered student’s names and established rapport that motivated them. As we lived across the state from one another we would communicate via phone. My husband had a husband she admired & supported his dream of becoming known in the entertainment field as a musician. The lottery money was helpful in purchasing a large RV to “hit the road” at some point!! She also had dogs that lived the lives of loved children. One message I received was questionable about “loving relationship” between husband and wife?! “We are sleeping separately, he seems to not be interested in me.” My reply was to get back in that bedroom and tell him what you need. Soon after that discussion came health issues for my friend...it seemed “depression” was setting in after choosing to confront a male colleague at work. When I was asked if I thought she was “crazy”, my reply: “not any more than the rest of us.” The next round of communication was apparent a mental health issue was escalating—like “Alice going down the rabbit hole”...except this was serious! She complained of skin eruptions, hallucinations and no sleep. “Should I take medication?” she asked. I told her that would be OK prescribed by professional and does not necessarily mean for a life time. This truly psychotic woman was trying to make sense of her behaviors and sensations by continued conversations with her husband and mother. Since I had known my friend, I was always amazed at the respect, which actually appeared as “fear” to her mom. I had learned her mother had had trauma in her own life and seemingly passed it on to her child. Her husband just wanted to continue their “happy” life, as it had begun... The illness had gone too far... She was admitted to a mental health facility, given major psych drugs along with other modalities, group therapy, etc. After a week or two, she checked out. She quit the medications. She made breakfast, lunch and dinner (chili per request) in crock pot for husband. Husband returns to extremely (unusual) quiet home from manual labor work. Dogs looking at him!! He goes to throughout home, opens door to studio-His wife, my beautiful, intelligent girlfriend had shot herself in her head- dead!!! I journal...daily, in my Little Black Book〰I had recently been in touch with those having had and using “ketamine” for treatment for certain psychiatric diagnosis. I had written: (before I learned of her death!) Keep Moving my beautiful friend-Help is on the way! I am convinced this form of treatment was the answer for her deep “fear” filled life... And so I continue my journey to help others to get as much joy out of this life as possible. I’m so sorry, my dear friend. Thank you little black book for always listening♥️.