Dawn Hiner

A Letter to Grief

Dear Grief, The process of you is different for everyone. I like to call you a journey, a pathway to a healing of the mind and soul. Each day I awake and my heart is still broken and my mind is still shattered, but each day it seems to heal a small amount because I allow you to come. I need to feel the pain, sadness and depression so that I can heal. I know you never truly go away but they say as the time passes you lesson. I’m not sure that’s true. I have faced you many time in my life and each time my soul is broken. Each time you’ve come my heart is torn in two and my mind is shattered beyond repair. The first time I can remember this happening was 34 years ago when death came for my brother Troy. You took control of my and didn’t let me go and almost took me too. Through the years that pain has dimmed but I’ve still never gotten over it. In 2006 you came 3 times to me. Those time were for my cats, but the pain was still real. You made me cry and broke my heart again. In the end though you left because I learned to love again. Then in January of 2020 you tore my world apart. On January 8th death came for my mom and you came for me again. You came for me as my beloved mother gained her spirit form and tore me apart. I HATE YOU GRIEF!!!! I hate you for what you’ve done to me. My heart is completely broken with no way for it mend. My mind is shattered in million pieces, and yet somehow I am slowly healing. It has been 6 months and 12 days since my mom went into the spirit realm. You follow me everywhere I go. I don’t know when or if I’ll rid of you. I have my good days where I’m not sad and I laugh and enjoy life but then I have my bad days where all I do is cry and hurt all over. That pain is soul deep and intense. It’s on those days I let you take over and allow myself to feel the pain and let my emotions play out. I ache when it’s over and I’m drained but I feel cleansed because you washed through me because I need it. You take and you take until I have nothing more to give. I need to feel you in order to heal and get stronger. Each day that passes I learn to move forward and understand you. Yes, you hurt me but in order to heal I must feel the pain. I have learned that it’s okay to not be okay. So come and let me feel you, grief. Let me heal through the pain you have caused. Let me move forward and learn to love again. I want to thank you , grief. Because of you I have learned to move forward and live again.