Daniel Willey

Shadows of Loneliness

In a world of unprecedented events and uncontrollable circumstances, you find yourself making a decision. You find yourself asking not yourself, but another. Was it a wise decision? Are you ready to open your heart, are you ready to find out what you’re hiding? It’s been so many years do you remember what it is? Of course you do! It may not be the fear, It may not be the anger. But it will have to be faced, this darkness that hides so deep inside, will finally come out or it will continue to control you forever. But the fear grows, The remembered scars begin to burn. Can you trust again? I have asked this question a thousand times and every time the question is always No, don’t fucking do it! But YOU reached out, you made the first move… Now your petrified, What’s gonna happen? Have you made this mistake before? Or is this something that can actually exist? You see everyone else, all of them standing with each other. Together, they are standing with each other, but you… You continue to stand in the shadows, staying in the darkness. Hoping you don’t get noticed, praying no one comes for you, they always have a hard time finding you when you’re hidden from sight. You never did feel like you belonged anywhere, making fake smiles everyday. Hiding your true feelings from the world. But this time… Why did you do it? What force overtook this action and you actually reached out into the world with an open heart. How confident are you? You have not tried for this long for a reason… Or was it really a reason or just ignorance, and stupidity? Why does this one feel different? What is it that makes her shine so bright? The spirit that lays so deep, the beautiful soul that has been scared and neglected? Is it because you are the same? Is there a recognition of pain that has taken place, so deep, so subconscious that it cannot be identified? You have made the move, you will follow through in the morning, the nervousness begins to set in… You have never been good at conversation with the ones you are attracted to. Your silence always does more damage than good, your tied up tongue where does this come from? Why are you so good at freezing and never finding the right words? Fuck man, You did it. Why you did it, cannot be explained. Your mind keeps telling you that this is the dumbest thing that you’ve done in a long time. What happens if things do work out? What happens if things don’t work out? But every bone, every muscle, my heart, my gut… They all tell me that I need to talk to you, That this time I need to make this step. I can no longer let my fears and pain define my choices. This loneliness, is it really what you want for yourself? You have been screaming inside for years. Hurting alone, and scared. This world has never presented many opportunities, or perhaps it presented too many too soon, only to be taken away before I could make the choice? You have always been relied on by others, have you ever relied on others? You have asked for help, yes. But have you ever actually relied on them? You have always stayed strong in face… But behind that mask you wear everyday is the real scars. The pain deep inside, that lets you know how useless you feel. How insecure you feel about yourself and your job. How this appearance of confidence is just to keep others from asking. Keep them away from your pain. If they don’t know that it is there, they will not come looking. Kept tight for years, locked up and never to be seen or heard. The pain forgotten in appearance, but killing you inside. You don’t care about yourself, that is evident in your lack of care for yourself. Sleep has not existed for 2 weeks now, the insomnia getting worse the older you get, the longer you hide yourself. Eating? Is this a joke, How many meals do you eat in one day? One, don’t make me laugh! Your ass can’t even remember the last time you had an actual meal, sitting down at an actual table with others. This lifestyle has not existed to you, It does not exist to you now. So you continue to feed yourself like you deserve. Like the peasant that you are, nothing but the bottom of the barrel. These scraps are what you get, they are all you give yourself. How many times have you starved yourself because you did not think you deserved to eat. Why did you not deserve to eat? Because your useless ass did not do anything, so why would you get rewarded with being able to have food? Is food a reward? Why do you think like this… What pain is it that hides so deep you are slowly killing yourself with cigarettes, drugs, and alcohol? What has the pain of life taken from you, that has left you smashed, broken, and unfinished. Your feelings of uselessness, your feeling of never being able to do anything right. You have been fucking up your whole life, Never getting it right. You failed, you broke, and you gave up when the world told you that you were not good enough. And now after years of hiding yourself from others, You have invited someone in… And why? I cannot say it is an attraction that is physical, mental, and spiritually. This is so new, this is unknown. Is it real? Can it be that something so beautiful can exist? Will she understand you, will she be willing to let you in? This door you have opened is full of unknown feelings, unknown thoughts. The Excitement is making it impossible to sleep, The fear is making the clock speed by. In a time of unprecedented events and uncontrollable circumstances, you have reached out for a hand. Will it hold on? If this one let’s go will you ever try again? Probably not, I give it one more try, in this attempt to open my mind, my heart, and my soul. I will either find out that I am supposed to be here alone, or only ever as a friend. But Maybe... perhaps a love can grow. You know that you love too easily sometimes, that your heart being opened gets denied often and every time the pain is deeper than you have ever let on. You like to tell people to see the positive, look at the bright side! This… This is the biggest lie that you tell... because in your mind the positive is bullshit. It has never truly worked out for you. You have tried but in the end the shadows creep over you and soon you find yourself back with your good ole friend the dark! Where hiding is easy, and others cannot recognize the hurt caused by so many throughout your life. It is this pain, this hurt, and insecurity that keeps you from going out in the world. You go to work with your fake smile and get the job done, pretending to be the goof that makes the place better. But has anyone ever truly looked into your soul? Have they tried? When her eyes meet mine, I can’t help but turn away. her gaze so... Beautiful, so deep, so piercing. It feels as though she can see through me when I make that eye contact. But it stops you, it freezes your thoughts and stops your heart. For it has seen your pain, even when you pretended it did not exist, when you tried to smile those piercing eyes saw the truth of your soul. They saw something that you do not even recognize. A feeling so new that it has fucked up your head and thoughts. Unable to focus, unable to do anything. Mind constantly wandering back to the one who took you by surprise… Why did this happen, is it actually something that can grow deeper and stronger than friendship? You actually made the try, you actually are stepping out of your shell. It was not easy, it required the help of smoking, drinking and deep contemplation in a place you have refused to go to for almost a decade. The pain going back before relationships.