Corriander

Unsent Sentiments

Dear Mummy, I don’t know what to say. You are comforting and I can feel you genuinely want to be nicer to me. I wish I could have a worse memory and let us start from scratch. But I just can’t let go of all the things you said, all the things you did and how much you passed on to me. I know you were treated so badly too, I know your behaviour had a reason, that you were so torn down by everyone and everything. It's weird, I feel like looking at our relationship is like looking through 3D glasses. On one hand, I got my heritage from you, my appreciation of beautiful things, common sense and magic. But on the other end there is anger, paranoia and shame. It’s so hard mummy, you hurt me so much when I was your child. After being distanced, being in different countries, and now back again, you treat me better. I see the glimpses of improvement, but I just can’t get over it. The uncomfortable twitch inside my gut wriggling and writhing around reminding me of how it was. You give me these warm hugs and the worm in me sends me chills and I just can’t return the warmth.