Chelsie Monet
Bio
Sometimes I just wake up, and write. Its like God turns on my brain faucet and leaves it running just to see what will happen ;)
Stories (2)
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Trauma Healing
I just watched “The Vow” for the second time though I have absolutely no memory of the first time I know it was the second time. It was kind of like the first time again. And I can’t believe how much I understand. Every brain injury truly is different. And while I wish mine was due to anything else, but domestic violence, I’m just grateful that I’m still here to talk about it. And maybe I won’t be one day, and that’s okay. I’m just tired of being strong today. I need to release this. In this moment, I feel like I have no clue who I am or why I’m here. I know that I use to know. And I used to be so sure and so crazy about my life purpose and mission. Now I just feel perpetually present. And while many would say that’s a good thing and how we’re supposed to be, I just feel small. I constantly feel like an outsider on my own life. Like I’m the one living my life, with myself, by myself, with something and someone divine, watching and waiting for me to do or ask the next thing about me. Like one day I just stopped recording and pressed the playback button, now I’m here. I feel like I go through this over and over again, forgetting that I even have forgotten memories. To be replaced by more pain and hurt and betrayal. Wanting so badly for it to be a dream or a joke. It’s not. I want to get to know myself so I isolate myself, something everyone dislikes me for. They’re all gone now. I just keep going to see what I like, and what I don’t like, and how I respond and even how I react. I’m just studying myself sometimes liking what I find out and other times being disgusted. I don’t expect perfection, and I don’t expect to understand. I feel that I care very deeply for myself. Is it love? I’d like to think so. I just wonder what happened to my compassion. My empathy is different. It’s like I’m more sensitive, but more guarded at the exact same time. Having a human experience, with other humans who have behavior I just don’t comprehend. I have new desires that feel old. I have old goals that feel new. I have clarity where I know I didn’t have it before, but I can’t pinpoint the reason I needed it. This existence is so confusing and it all makes sense. There’s no need for validation or criticism. Did I deserve what happened to me? No. Did I do this to myself? No. Am I totally responsible? Yes. At what point do I stop holding myself accountable to the version of me that used to exist, when all I want to do is go forward in the existence I am now? The only advice I’ve gotten that always applies, is to just keep living. I’m never going to have all the answers. And that’s okay. I just wonder how I existed for so long not feeling much of anything, but being so knowledgeable in so much that was outside of my control. And now, I feel everything, having no control over it, going day by day learning to manage only what’s in my control. Learning to be like water as some say. I don’t know if there’s other people who feel this way. Or if there’s anyone else who understands. I’m just sure about one thing, and that’s the fact that healing is messy. It’s not cute. Its not black and white. It’s not something to gloat about. It’s an arduous, delicate, painful, and beautiful process. A journey. It’s a full time job, that I can only clock out from when God says I can go home. My only hope is that in my final review, someone says well done.
By Chelsie Monet4 years ago in Confessions
Mirror Moment
She opened the door. A woman stood there smiling, and staring in her eyes as if she known her in another life. She entered the room, and from the bedroom behind, he asked “who is it baby?” She answered with large eyes on the woman, “I don’t know, but she’s here now.”
By Chelsie Monet4 years ago in Psyche
