Chaz Clemons

Momentary Bliss

Maybe some people see things differently, maybe some cant see at all. When I was 14 my grandma told me she had cancer and all I could do was be afraid. Death is inevitable, that's what I'd tell myself to be okay. I knew in my heart that things were going to change and I knew I'd end up alone or dead. She died in October and I ended up alone and scared, scared of the dark, scared of school, scared of failure, mostly just scared of myself and who I could've been when she was alive. I remember it like yesterday, coming home from the hospice and thinking they brought me there to say goodbye. I didn't say goodbye. I walked outside and my aunt basically bribed me to make me feel okay, but I didn't need her bribes. Why must I keep watching everything fall apart, when can I be happy, what is momentary bliss to a life with no boundaries. No death, no heartbreak, no tears. We all want one thing and that's to be happy and live forever, but once happiness is taken away we begin to neglect it and say it's okay to be sad. It's not okay. I'm not okay. We aren't okay and that's the truth. People look down upon those who aren't okay, but instead of helping they continue to feed the the pain. Why can't we know the date of our death, is it really at random? or does someone know the exact day. As humans we live to die. That's the basis of everything. Live, work, die. Better yet Live, conform, and die. That's our life. That's who we are. Now think positively, with every loss comes a new life. With every new life comes a new opportunity. With opportunity comes momentary bliss. I have a confession, I do enjoy being alone. I enjoy being able to think without being told what to think, I like feeling free because chains are expensive, do you understand? Have you been hurt before, not by a person, but by God. Have you questioned your own reality? Have you questioned your purpose? Your choices? Why? When? That's the basis of thought, but it hurts to think. It hurts to know that most thoughts are reminiscing on the pass because you can't comprehend the future yet. Is it weird that most conversations are about things your are your friends once did, you go out with them Thursday and talk about it Friday. Thoughts become repetitive and conversations become empty. This isn't a story, this is a conversation. I want to think like others and believe what others believe and yet I can't. I can't sit in school and listen because I'm being taught to live like someone else. I can't go to church and promise I won't sin because I'm simply human. I'm lost. Do you ever feel like you give so much to people, but in the end they don't appreciate it or are you taking with no appreciation? Physically, I can't afford to give, but mentally I give so much. I'm someone who suffers with anxiety yet I'll give people conversation because I know they may need it, but I'm suffering the entire time. It's hard to look people in the face and speak, but yet I do, but I'm still told I don't make sacrifices. " Your 19. you have a whole life ahead of you", TELL ME WHAT THAT MEANS, a whole life...If anything I have another repetitive day of momentary bliss. If you still don't understand what I'm saying, basically I'm still learning to be human because it's so much harder than waking up on this earth with a soul. It's more than your job, school, family, and friends. Momentary bliss isn't a way to say I'm happy for a second, but a way to say I want to be happy everyday.