Charlotte Kiely

Bipolar Disorder or Order?

Robin Williams saved my life. It was his death that finally made me realise I had to do something to stop this crazy life I was living and face up to the truth. There was something not quite right in my head and it hadn't been quite right for a really long time! I was an absolute car-crash in more ways than one; self-medicating heavily behind the scenes because I was so depressed, then manically entertaining everybody I met so they wouldn't see right through my carefully veiled facade. I'm an actress, good at playing real characters, so it was easy to fool people but not so easy to continue fooling myself. I tried the doctor and she told me there was nothing wrong with me,which anyone who's met me knows I'm as mad as a box of frogs, so I sought a second opinion. She told me to refer myself to the local mental health service as I'd be seen quicker. Not an easy thing to do as effectively you are admitting you have a mental problem but what choice did I have?! So I made the call. Cut a long story short, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder Type 2, which (for anyone who doesn't know) has more depressive episodes than manic ones. Either way, it's a pain in the arse to live with and you have to "manage" it every single day or it catches you unawares! My moods can go up and down like a tart's knickers! I'd been struggling with Bipolar undiagnosed for 30 years which is a bloody long time and I was angry yet relieved. I remember the nurse once asking me how having Bipolar affects my normal everyday life to which I replied, 'I can't answer that question, this is my normal everyday life!!'. Which brings me around to the question, what is normal exactly? We all have mood swings, high and low points in our lives but for some of us it's like an extreme rollercoaster and impossible to keep a lid on. We need more understanding in the world about mental illness full stop. I've always spoken out about my mental illness. I'm proud of it. It makes me who I am and what I can do creatively. To me I'm perfectly normal and have order in my own way. Others would beg to differ but I don't care, I'm doing the very best I can and that's good enough for me. Until next time...be kind and take care x