Carmen Alnsour

In the night

In the night I close my eyes and leave this world only to enter into the world where my deepest and darkest secrets come to play. I am here now, in my mind, this world feels gloomy, uneasiness settles inside my resting heart. The sky above is covered in dark clouds, the rain pours down on the city streets and all of a sudden I am near your home where it all began. Everything was left just as it was, I feel that someone is watching me, but I can’t see who it is, the shadow crawls behind the dumpsters near a brick wall connected to an old cafe. I see myself in the window of the cafe sitting across you. I can’t see that well but I can feel that I am crying while he is smiling, it’s odd to be able to watch myself reliving my weakest moments in front of him. As I continue to walk through this town on the cracked sidewalk across from his home where the birds sore through the sky landing near a fire chimney of a broken down building. The appearance of this building reminds me of that night… I see myself from a third person once again, she doesn’t know I am here, I can see her but she can’t see me. I keep trying to yell out to her not to go with him but it’s no use she is in love. Her crooked smile and her puppy eye stare as he talks nonsense, he begins to kiss her and of course she melts in his arms. He pins her against the wall, she says she wants to go back but refuses to listen to her, she begs him no, but he doesn’t care, his eyes pierce through her soul like a wolfe does so when he is in the mood to hunt. He is the hunter and she is the prey only she doesn’t understand that, she confused him for safety even though his only intention is to harm her but of course her dumb naive mind feels that his demands must be met because she won’t dare go against pleasing him even if it is not what she wants. I looked away from myself because I couldn’t see what would happen next as I was far to familiar with the events that would unfold. My eyes stayed shut but the sounds of her cries shot pain through my heart like an arrow. I look towards his home away from the abandoned buildings, now, I go to him, another faceless lover he is, and yet, he is the biggest comfort I have. Tomorrow I will be alone again, and yes, by choice. I have given myself yet again to a stranger who’s only desire was what he felt when I knelt down. I walk the streets of the busy city and when all others lay to rest under the stary night, I am at the bar on 3rd and 7th off the grid where the restless come to dream. I once began to build a home where my family would be growing, but little did I know, the crows standing on a wire hi-res near where I had settled had been crying out to me. Tell me god, was this your plan for me all along, was I simply just not worthy enough of a growing heartbeat inside of me where the life grows like a seed does so in the ground. I have lost. Years later, I surrender my white flag, as I have come to a realization of a bitter truth about myself. I was born with a heart made of holes and when I attempt to fill it up to the very top, I find myself too tired to keep up with the constant leaks causing what I have gathered to seep out of me. These faces in the night are laced with euphoria, which I use to drown my mind, in hopes that my deepest desire will be buried at the bottom of the ocean I have created from my nightmares. I enter the room of a man who believes I am here for the thrill, but, little does he know, when I place my hand on his face and kiss his lips while his hands move up my dress I am unimpressed. I play along and make him feel a lie to be so true that even I myself, the master of the illusion am convinced of it’s false truths. His time with me is limited, he believes I am timid, but, I am merely grieving for the girl I once was before it all began. In his mind he believes he is mine, and, I am his. Unfortunate for him, I am numb from this rum, even if his love burned I would suffocate the flame until it has died out before it even had a chance. I lay down on his bed and my cheeks turn red from his hands trailing down my inner thighs as he spreads my legs and touches my breasts. His lips lock onto mine, my tongue slowly licks his mouth, and with a seductive bite he draws himself into my lost virtue. He pins my arms above my head as I lay in submission drowning in forbidden pleasure. I look over at the clock on the nightstand, it reads 3:47 am, as he sleeps there peacefully I kiss his lips for the final time and disappear into the dawn. These sins I commit with ease similar to a blink of my eyes. I feel nothing as I am nothing, I am in misery, surrounded by the dark. This demon is near, she is lurking in the shadows of my darkness. When I first saw her in my dreams, I was terrified, but now, I understand, she is me and I am her. This demon is my shadow and soon we will meet again when I am laying in my shallow grave. I am his for the night in exchange for pleasure and pain followed by guilt of my own demise. Thousands remained mesmerized by the price of youth even when the fountain had nothing left in it. I felt my blood run cold when the fun had ended, but, I guess this is what happens when I bend my morals for a few rose pedals. The truth is that I’m scared of love, even though I want nothing more then to find you, I seem to have come to a sudden halt. You’re right there, I want to reach my hand out to you but the closer I feel you the more pain I feel rushing in. I want to love you more then you can imagine, but with each beat of my heart it gets harder to breath, flashes of our happy ending come before my eyes, but as I dream of our little family the nightmares begin, the fear of loss interrupt our laughter and next thing I know I am grieving engulfed in fire where our home once stood. The picture perfect vision which we could have had gets slowly burned down similar to flames taking a picture’s worth and turning it to black ash. Wake-up! I open my eyes when you tell me to look at you, my heart is beating so fast at the sight of you, all I want to do is look away from you, but you won’t allow it. What should I do when my heart can’t stop seeking you? I fear your gaze because I know your touch will bring me to my knees when I want nothing more but to stand. I want to walk away from this noise inside my head, but I can’t seem to gather the strength to betray the betrayer. My senses are submerged deep within your grasp. Tell me you love me, force me to blind myself so that I don’t see what you are doing to me, show me your hate through beautiful lies. Dangle my freedom in front of me, watch me lose my breath as your grasp tightens. I’m right here where you want me to be but you are nowhere near where I begged you to be. I paid a price to put that smile on your face and you don’t care whatever the cost you know I would provide. Pour me a glass of wine, silence my mind, cover my mouth, use me because you know I will surrender at the snap of your fingers. I’m so tired, I want to rest, my body is bruised, my heart is drained, I have nothing left in me but yet again you come back demanding more. How come when I reach inside of me I can’t find anything but when you come to take you find everything you need. You freed me once, but when I got to far, you pulled me back in. Please, I’m exhausted, I just want to disappear. I’m tired of this fear and the tears that keep bringing me to my vices. Once again you come visit me in my dreams, your heart feels empty again love, I guess it’s time to consume more of me. I should say no, but your strength over powers me and no matter how hard I try you will always have me. His touch, his stare, his arousal, the mere image of him was her definition of a perfect lover. He took her to the highest mountains, and when she told him she was scared of heights, he took her in a plane and flew her to an altitude that was so high in the sky. This lover of hers, she was infatuated with his eyes, his smile brought her to her knees, and his requests of her were her only purpose. So, when he pushed her out of the plane, all she could do was watch him in awe as she fell and she didn’t even care why she was falling. All she could hear was his heart beating for her, all she could hear was his sweet voice clamming his love for her, and she didn’t even care where she was going to land. Years later, she has stayed in the place where her body had landed and in this darkness she waits for him, even though she knows he will never come to rescue her. This place where her body rests ceases to exist, she is parallel to the living, she is still breathing just like you, however, her heart hasn’t seen the light in what would feel like an eternity if she was not a mortal. Now can you see, my heart is waiting for me where I had left it, what you hold in your hand, is my attempt to mimic a lost soul. That is nothing more then an illusion, it is a shadow. My soul is buried within the darkness where I had deserted it many years ago. I wake-up in my bed sweating profusely and look around the room to make sure that it was just a dream, but to my gruesome surprise he walks in and his evil grin strikes fear in my heart. I ask him why he is here, but he doesn’t respond, the sounds of his footsteps thumping on my wooden floor causes my heart to beat faster and faster. His arms reach out to me and even though I try to move he overpowers me and wraps his hand around my throat. I gasp for air but with each missed opportunity to take a deep breath I begin to fade thinking I am going into another world, his final words, “This is how it ends”, I open my eyes and the red wall is gone, I rub my eyes and look around me. It’s empty.