Carly Fidler

CoVid19 - Me behind the mask

This won’t be fictional no names have been changed because no names will be mentioned.. This is a story about one healthcare worker who’s heart and soul went into her job anyone she took care of found it hard not to smile when she would start caring for them it’s about a job that was loved so much that it became her downfall. This is my story, when a job is more then a job caring for people who are deep in a weakened state it’s more of a life’s calling when you find yourself stressing yourself only to be so very proud of yourself for being up to this career challenge. Most healthcare workers throw themselves mind body and spirit in and in the end become drained of every bit of energy they put out. This is how the CoVid19 pandemic ruined my career only I was driven by fear and riddled with anxiety about it all and as a healthcare worker to know that I would soon be up close and personal with it scared me enough but this was a slow poison to my career, by that I mean it became a paranoia for me I’d get these small feelings of anxiety before going into work and I’d wonder the whole ride there “am I going to have another CoVid19 patient” I also would like to clarify that the whole reason I get completely stricter with a frozen fear of God in my blood over it is because how this virus mutates and infects each one of its victims differently some die some don’t some get mild symptoms of the flu some feel like it’s a slow painful drowning feeling, so believe me when I say this thing is on my top list of the 5 most scariest things ever experienced thus far in my life. This poison of a virus keeps me 80% in the house and the other 20% when absolutely necessary this awful thing that has stolen lives, taken jobs, made the world an even bigger mess stole my wits away that are at my nerves and forced me out of the job because my anxiety just won’t let me, I came into healthcare to care for the sick and do my best to keep you safe and alive but this virus took that from me and now I can’t say to myself yes I know this person will pull through and be fine, when I’m at work and you’re in my care I become a mother, or a sister, maybe even a friend and my heart aches for the sick and breaks hard for the terminally ill. I took a walk down another area of our facility during the first wave of this and to walk into this room and see people on ventilators sent the coldest chill through my body I questioned every patient in the room in my mind wondering if they had the virus I wanted them all to be ok and to wake up and be able to do what everybody else in the room was so effortlessly doing.. breathing. My soul just crumbled for them all and I think that was most likely the start to the end for me knowing that scene was to much to handle that night I prayed for each one, I thought healthcare was my calling I believed in my heart of hearts that was my forever career I was positive that I’d never actually be going to work because I loved it so much.. CoVid19 was the end of my career for me and not because I don’t want to help save you.. it’s because in some cases you cannot be saved.