Britney Saxon

Brokenness

As I’m sitting here writing .. I’m in such a torn state. My mother disown me and made my father do the same. My siblings are fighting, even though we just lost my brother back in June. I have to decide against being broke and not working because my mother doesn’t want to keep my child or have anything to do with me anymore. Life isn’t good right now. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. My life is in shambles and there’s nobody to call on or be in my corner. I’m on the way to being homeless with my 2 year old son y’all. My heart is hurting my mind is running wild and I’m so afraid something is going to happen with my son if I don’t work. It all started because my 2 sisters got into an altercation and my mother asked me to diffuse the situation with one of them. The other called to talk to my brother while I was on the phone with the oldest. I let her know politely they were on the phone taking about her and that she needed to hear so they could I see why each other felt the way they did. My mother cursed me out and I did the same back to her (I get defensive, I didn’t mean it). Every since then my mother has been saying harsh things about me. I don’t have a car or house but I’m trying so hard to make a way. I’m broken-hearted, how could a mother turn her back on her child over words. How could u try to play the victim and you cursed me first? I’m living in torture. Everyday and night I hear the same crap, the name calling putting down etc. but how so and you’re my mother!?!?? It’s 10 of us. Well one has passed , oh how I miss my sweet angel! I feel like the black sheep. I feel like dying is my only way out sometimes but then I think about my son. My Messiah. Everything I do is for him. I try to work as much as possible so I can get him what he wants and needs. It’s always somebody with their hand out. It makes it hard to save and that’s why I don’t have a car or house. I’m in this alone. My son is the only good thing and God that I have in my life. My baby said to me the other day “Mommy calm down” as I was getting him dressed. Two years old y’all!!! I can’t lose him I’d never be the same. My life is in shambles but I’ll pick myself up somehow. I just need prayers prayers and more prayers. I just can’t imagine my life without messiah. My heart is hurting and it’s fragile but that’s ok I’ll heal. Losing my son is something I’ll never be able to live with so please please please hear my cries and send prayers. I don’t know what could’ve happened. Now it feels like I’m being watched talked about, every time I come in the house. I’m depressed but this is like a whole mother depressed. I don’t even want to come home... technically it’s not mine. I just want a place for me and my son because I don’t want the negativity and toxic to spread of on him. I want my son to be taught love and not hate. My heart is aching for my boy every single day. My son cries every time I leave for work. I just want him to be happy with me. I want him to have fun and not me stay away from him for hours on hours everyday. I explain to him mommy is coming back .. mommy just trying to make ways for us. My life is so hard right now. God will restore, I do believe.