Awomanwithadream

Who Am I: My True Color

Who am I? What are my true colors? Who is this person that I look at in the mirror everyday? Who is this person that everyone says is ugly, annoying, retarded, or cant do shit right. Who is she? People judge me before they get to know me. People get mad and wanna fight when I speak my truth or speak the truth about them and who they are as a person. Older men and women won't give me a real chance of a relationship because they think I'm stupid or wet behind the ears. Or judge me based on my age and current position in life. So what is my true color really? Who is this woman that has the voice of an angel? Who has bars like master p and brings good to the table. I'm so sick of these labels. Scare of judgment. It's painful. I'm so sick of feeling worthless. I hope I don't get fatal. Who is this woman wants to please everyone around them, but can't be who she is on the inside nor the outside. And if she does show whether true color is, she'll lose everyone around her and will officially be alone. If she does what truly makes her happy, she may as well burn every bridge with everyone that's close to her or associates with. So the main question is....WHAT....IS....MY....TRUE....COLOR?!?! My true color defines who I am. So who am I, you ask? I am a black woman. I am a black woman who is lost. I am a black woman who is broken. I am a black woman who is angry, hurt, sad, depressed. I am a black woman that wants to be free. I'm a black woman trapped inside a teeny tiny box the size of a grain of sand. I feel like crying and screaming at the top of my lungs so everyone can notice me. Notice that I need help. Notice that I want to be free. Right now I'm not free. I'm a black woman who is incarcerated in the facility of anxiety, loneliness, and fear. I'm a black women that wakes up every morning pissed the fuck off at the world. Pissed off at myself. Beyond Pissed at everyone around me. I am infuriated. I'm a black woman that cries herself to sleep every night. Most nights I can't even get any sleep because I'm so stuck inside my head. I'm a black woman who grew up in a Jehovah's Witness household and was forced out the closet at 15, and forced out again and "disciplined" for it at 17. And being told by my own mother that I'm not her daughter all because I'm attracted to the same sex. I am a black woman who is still trapped inside this pitch black dark closet in 2021 at 20 years old. I'm a black woman who thinks to herself every single day "what if I was not around anymore? What if I wasn't on this planet anymore? Will anyone miss me when I'm gone? Will the world be better off without me? Maybe I should just eliminate myself from the equation of life. I'd be doing everyone around me a favor if I just put the gun up to my head and pull the trigger without any hesitations whatsoever". I ask myself everyday "when will you run away to another state or country? When will you come out the closet for good and never return? Better yet, forget coming out the closet. When will you break down that closet door and burn it into ashes? And most importantly, when will you be free to be yourself?" So who am I? What are my true colors? I am a black woman on the road. A lonely, dark, deceiving, scary road of destruction.