Ashlee Gutierrez

Still I Rise

The idea I have for my first tattoo (that I will be getting in the near future) is based on concepts that have been important to me since I was a kid and my backstory, which has helped to shape me into the person I am today. I knew if I ever got a tattoo, it would have to be symbolic of a hybrid dragon and phoenix (a Phoegon as I call it), my favorite mythological animals and I would have to draw and design it myself. I was in an abusive relationship for 14 years (married for 7 of those years), since I was only 14 years of age. He was the only guy I had ever dated and I fell in love quickly, regardless of how he treated me. I gave it my all and I thought it would be enough, even if he didn’t care about my feelings at all. I didn’t realize at the time that I was looking to fill a void in my heart that my mother created. I was used to not being treated the best since birth because my own mother’s narcissistic verbal, emotional and psychological abuse broke my siblings and I down to our lowest points without us even knowing it. At a very young age, we each sought relationships with people that treated us terribly. It wasn’t until about 3 years ago, at the age of 26, that my eyes were finally opened. I started to see my own value and how much I had always sacrificed for everyone else and put my own happiness last. I successfully got my divorce in November of 2019, studied for and earned my G.E.D. diploma in February of this year and started college last month in August. I did all of this while raising my 8-year-old daughter and have accomplished things that I never would’ve thought were possible. In just 2 years, I will be fully trained and certified for a rewarding and successful career in court reporting/stenography. When I finally stopped listening to all of the people that wanted to keep me down, my life flourished and I saw my own strength. I picked up writing again last year before my divorce (after giving it up during my entire relationship due to depression) so I can speak out about abuse of all types and mental health issues due to abuse. I came up with the name “Fuel 4 Fighters” because I believe that once you have gone through so much, you are no longer just a victim, you are a fighter. So, my tattoo is based on the fact that no matter how badly people have hurt me and burned me, I have always risen from the ashes and become stronger. I take all of it as fuel for my fire inside. The wings of a phoenix represent what I have already been through and also a reminder that I will continue to rise even when hard times come. Attached to the wings at the center is my heart covered in scales, like the body of a dragon. This idea was super important to me because it shows that even though I still wear my heart on my sleeve and it is open for new love, I now have protection from any shots that may come my way. All that I have endured has helped me to develop a thick skin and become bullet-proof. Engraved on that heart is the symbol of the Deathly Hallows from Harry Potter. I have been a die-hard fan of HP since the first book was released in 1998, hence my love of dragons and phoenixes. Those books are apart of my heart, my character and everything I stand for. The symbol of the Hallows also reminds me of the Holy Trinity which stands for my Christian beliefs, forever tattooed on my heart. The words written on the fiery wings are my favorite words from the entire Harry Potter series, “You’ll stay with me?” “Until the very end.” This is for my small group of trusted people, my closest family: my daughter and nieces, sisters and brother, father, aunt that is like my surrogate mother, cousins and friends that have supported me and uplifted me no matter what. I will fight for them until the very end like they have always done for me. I don’t plan for this tattoo to be large at all but it has so much meaning and importance in such a small package. I hope to make a difference in some way with my life and all that I have been through. If I can help one person that is going through what I have been through, it has all been more than worth it.