Antwan Monegan

M A Y B E

I texted you today. As usual, no answer. Before it would have hurt. Before I would cry. Why? It’s been months. I should be over it right? Why waste my time? I’m doing better, feeling better. Finally on an uphill. So why back track? I’ve put you on such a high pedestal. My own fault that that you never viewed me that high. I could never understand. Maybe I never will. Do we ever really get over The One? How many Ones’ must we go through before we let it go? I’ve loved before but not like this. How many times have we said this, felt this? Do yoYou u even feel?! Is it a program that you’ve mastered, a chip that plays over and over saying “Fuck Him!” “Fuck his feelings!” Some days I wish I could say that, do that. Why did I even reach out? Am I stupid? Have I lost my mind? Waiting for a response that will never come but guess what? I’ve stopped waiting. You are no longer the dominantion of my thoughts. Be lucky that I still care. It’s crazy how things change. One day you can be flying above the clouds, the next thing you know you’re making a crash landing. You wonder who is in control if you’ve lost your mind. I think that if you are in tune with your emotions then you are bound to find trouble. Not because you seek it out but cause and effect play roles bigger than you can possibly imagine. The heart wants what it wants and believe me nothing on this earth can change that. Dealing with an idle mind when you are in a transitional state is dangerous, trust me, I’ve been there and it’s not fun. You hold the key, you have the power. You have the ability to save yourself from yourself. Losing control is in your hands. Be careful, be cautious. It’s okay to put yourself first. Saying no isn’t as hard as it may seem. Look around and understand that in order to keep living you have to do what’s right for self first. Begging for attention is a thing of the past. I’ve been learning that I have no reason to go out of my way to prove myself to you or anyone else. Though it’s over, I still find myself reaching out. I find myself still looking for your approval. I’ve given all I could to the point where I have gone without and I was okay. Was I truly okay though? I wonder if I played along because I feared losing you more than I already have. I wonder if I lessened myself because I felt it necessary. What did you give me? What did you sacrifice? Why wasn’t what I offered good enough? So many questions but I know I’ll never get the answers. It blows my mind to think you have such a strong stance against me and how I feel. The fact that I have become public enemy number one in your eyes not only saddens me but disappoints me so. Maybe the lesson I thought I learned still has to be. Maybe moving on really means just that. Moving on from you one hundred percent without looking back. After all that’s how all this started, I looked back! I don’t want to spend the rest of my life twisting in the wind. Finding strength has never been hard to fin always been more beautiful than a lie. Maybe that’s it. Maybe it’s time to stop relying on maybes. Maybe it’s finally time.