Annie Achor

The Light

It's dark. It's so completely dark. I'm all alone now. I run my fingers over the matches to count them. One, I feel the porous gritty top. Two, I move over them slowly, knowing these are all the light I have left. I’ve been hiding for days. I can hear them outside. Three, I twirl this one to feel the flat surfaces of the wood. Four, touching this one put me back in my teens. Sneaking a cigarette in the woods past the trailer I grew up in. Man, I really hated that place. I hated being poor. I hated getting called trailer trash. I hated eating pinto beans three times a week. But now. Oh God, now. I would give anything to be there. Anything to be with my family. All the silly fights. The stupid games. My dads impish personality. He was always hiding things. Always doing something to scare us. Thinking about it I can see my drink coasters flying off the ceiling fan much to everyone’s surprise. And my mother, the forever mediator. Lovely beyond belief. Tall, thin, graceful, gorgeous green eyes, long sandy blonde hair, rough hands from planting and digging but beautifully capable of holding and mending my heart. So incredibly caring. To be safe in her arms again. To feel that love. My sister... What can I say? I wanted to hear her call me anything. Asshole, sister pants, Bucky beaver. ( Her nickname for me I hated.) I just want to hear her. Hear them. See them, touch them, hold them. Five, the last one. I put it to my lips to wish it luck to strike. Then, I caress It in the dark. The only thing I have left of you. You, my one and only. The heart shaped locket you gave me on our anniversary. Our sixth. Just two weeks before the incident. Incident!? Ha!! It was a massacre! It was a mass extinction! And you, wanting to save me, put me in this cave, told me to be quiet, and walked out. I heard you scream. I’m such a coward. I should have ran out. Ran out and died with you. I just kept hearing you say “I love you, I love you. Stay safe, stay alive.” And I wanted to for you! But without you, I’m so scared. I don’t have any food or water left, just time. Time and memory I strike #5 open the Locket and stare at your face. Tears streamed down my cheeks. I hold it rubbing the metal between my first finger and thumb. The match burns down to my fingertips. I endure so I can linger on your face a moment more. I remembered how our hands always melted into one. I’m in the darkness again. Rolling the locket between my fingers like it will save me. What’s this? I haven’t noticed this before. How have I never noticed? A latch. A minute piece of metal. I clumsily try to figure out how to open it in the dark. Oh God! I only have four left. What is this latch!? I strike # 4. It’s so small, so very hidden I see a thin layer of wax just as the match burns out. Okay, okay I think to myself. Just scratch off the wax. It gets stuck under my nails, already filthy from running and hiding. Three left. Three left what if I can’t get it open? What if I never know what is in it? I strike # 3 looking so closely at how to open. I put the match to the rest of the wax. It melts off in one diminutive drop. Darkness. Pulling on the latch with my jagged nail. It's stuck! I can't open it! Two left. I'm so scared. After this, what? #2 lit. A miniscule wire had been beneath the wax. I'm able to snap it just before the match burns out. One. I have one match left. One 30 seconds of light before total darkness. I manage to open the newly found latch. My heart races. What could be in it? This is the last one, make it count. I breathe deep, let my breath out slowly and ignite the last match. It illuminates the secret picture. The one I had never seen. The one that would decide my fate. The one that would truly take my will to survive. It was my son. My only child. The Light of my whole life. It hit me again like an explosion all around and in me. He was taken first. I would have died right then but you wouldn't let me. My eyes are so full of tears I can't even see the picture anymore. It's just a blur and all I want to do is be with him, be with you all. The match burns my fingertips again. The pain feels right. That's it. That's when I gave up. That's when I gave over. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be scared. I don't want to be without any of you anymore. I sit on my knees weeping, missing you all, holding my heart because it aches. And then the clearest thought. The most beautiful epiphany. I don't have to be alone. The deepest resolve sets inside me. I wipe my tears, brush the dirt from my knees and stand for the first time in days. I'm ready, I think to myself. I'm ready. I take one more deep breath, close my eyes and walk toward the front of the cave. And as I reach the entrance, there is light again. I open the locket once more to see you and him. I kiss you both, and walk into the light.