Anjie Garcia

Hey mom

But I never understood why you would sleep your days away, Why I was constantly feeling a rejection filled with sorrow, guilt and sorry's without any explination as to why you would say and do the things you said and did to me, Why you would hide away in your journal, I didn't understand what you were running from or if you were even running at all but if you were I forgive you for the hurt you caused me on the way. I don't know, but I really thought you were going to be there for me. I understand that being a mom can be hard sometimes, but its like you forgot about me in the mess of trying to be yourself while learning to be a mom at the same time. A mess that you left behind for me to pick up. Im not calling you a bad mom, im just expressing the feelings I constantly have to hide out of fear of rejection and a bunch of " I never did that" statements, I'm so tired of feeling crazy. But I still love you and I always tell you that. I just won't be able to come around as often because im tired of the arguing. I just won't talk as much because I don't want misunderstandings. I won't cross your bounderies but that now means you can't cross mine. it's all become too much for me because all I ever did was try and continue to put in energy of fixing things between us, I have a baby boy to be strong for now and I can no longer put thought and energy into all the why's I mentioned to you in the beginning. I realized it has nothing to do with me but it has everything to do with you and your healing. So the guilt of not being a good enough daughter to you or for you vanished. I had to learn and grow without you when all I wanted to do was to grow with you. I wanted this close bond with you that I now just leave in Gods hands and in my dreams . You should know what it feels like .. you were once a daughter too. And although you try , I try, and we try I just learned to accept the fact that this is just who you are because of your trauma and maybe I should be a little easier on you. Take things a lot slower with you. I just get so upset because now that I am a mom, A first time mom at that I refuse to let the cycle of feeling rejected continue, I refuse to let the depression in our family stop me from being active in my baby boys life, I refuse. I just wish you did the same. I guess I also never told you these things because I don't want you to feel like you failed as a mom. You might have hurt me a lot , but we also did have good times. For at least one moment in my life when I look back, I remember you being happy and taking us out to the city with the greatest step-father to have ever come into my life. We used to go out to dinner, Enjoy going to events, Talk all night and laugh. I don't know what happened mom, but I miss that side of you. Mothers day is bittersweet for me because I wish things were different between us while also appreciating my motherhood with my very own baby. Its common and expected for majority to write sweet messages to their moms on mothersday ... but I can't fake my feelings anymore. I can't fake having a great relationship. For some of us mothers day isn't a good time. Some of us actually struggle to have relationships with our moms. Anyways, mom I never told you any of this ... but just know ... I'll always love you.