Angela Follett

Why!?

Why wasn’t I good enough? What’s wrong with me? Is this my fault? I should have been a better girlfriend... I sit here on the floor of my room in a women’s shelter, tears running down my face, my eyes swollen red, the pain in my ribs making it impossible for me to relax. The voice’s in my head tell me I deserve better, he was good to me, he treated me bad, he never loved me, but he had to love me. My heart is breaking. We were out for a drive laughing, smiling, joking with one another. He leans over for me to kiss his soft lips, he puts his hand on top of mine, looks into my eyes so deeply and like I’m the only one in the entire world to tell me how much he loves me. “I’m going to get your nails and hair done the week Baby Girl”. The sun sparkling off the soft snow flakes as they fall. Everything was so perfect, I felt so warm and loved inside. “Here Daddy’s girl I bought you a treat for movie night” as he puts his fingers through my hair, I reach over and rub the back of his neck. “Let’s go home, have supper, shower, make love and relax for the night”. Sounding like a perfectly planned evening we started for him. “Look at the look on your face, no one could ever love that face. Your lip is down on your lap someone will see you. What’s your problem. I’m gonna snap” pounding his fists off the interior of the car, his voice going from a normal to shouting at me, spot flying out of his mouth as he gets angrier. He started speeding up around the sharp turns. “I am going to put my fist through your face!! Shut up!! Don’t speak”. We get in through the house. He shoves me into the bedroom wall using my body to create a large hole. He grabbed me by the hair on my head and tossed me across the floor. The bed went upside down, everything on the walls swiped on the floor. My perfumes, make-up, hair dryer started flying across the room. I went to run, he grabbed me by my hair once again and threw me on the floor. He raised his foot with all he had, work boot and all, he cameras down on my ribs. I screeched out in pain as he then dragged me into my closet. Grabbing a hammer and nails, every window and door was nailed shut. My phone was taken. He kicked me and tossed every time I moved. The tears streaming down my face I begged him to let me go, I could barely move from the pain in my ribs. Yelling and telling me to shut up and how this was all of my fault he stomped around the house for hours straight telling me how stupid, ugly, what a loser I was, how no one loved me, how he raised his foot to snap my neck and kill me. “When I go to jail I will get out and find you and kill you”. I was made to go to bed, his hand wrapped around me tightly so I couldn’t budge. “This is your stupid fault, your not leaving until I tell you to”. The next day as soon as he turned his back I ran and never went back. 6 years straight he beat me, put me down, called me names, pretended to love me, threw things at me. My self esteem has been destroyed. I love him. Why do he hate me so? What gives him the right to hurt me like this? My hearts broken in a million pieces and I will never hear “I’m sorry”. The sad part is, if he called I would crumble to his touch. I would walk to the end of the earth for him, just to feel some sort of companionship, love, pleasure, happiness. Even though life with him has been hell, I still feel for the man who has taken everything away from me so many times.