Amber Rosales Zavala

Momster

I never told you but from the age of 3 to the age of 10 I was sexually abused by 3 different men. You paid more attention to my new baby sister than to me. I know this is the reason why you and I have never been close. Because you chose her over me. If she did something wrong it was my fault because I'm older and I'm supposed to know and do better so she can see what's right. I've never gone to you with any problem because I learned at 3 years old that I was alone. My sister meant and continues to mean more to you than I ever did or ever will. I refer to you as Momster and some nay think it's a term of endearment but to me you are the person I can never be enough for. You are the monster I always ran away from and not the mom I saw on tv or my friends had that they could run towards. I thought maybe once I had a daughter of my own you would teach me and love me. However that is not the case. You were in the delivery room with me but stayed far away and never congratulated me or even hugged me after she was born. Even when I showed the family my ultrasound everyone was shocked and assumed it was my sister, upon finding out it was mine and I was the one carrying everyone's spirits seemed to dwindle. I was congratulated but only with words. I have never felt more alone than in this journey of motherhood. I was taught how to clean a house and make food but I was taught a much more valuable lesson. You, mom taught me how not to be a mother. I never want my daughter to be afraid to come to me with any question or problem, like I have been with you. I never want my daughter to refer to me as a Momster like I do to you. I want to be a safe place for my daughter. I want to be the first person she confides in and runs to with any and everything. I know my sister feels this way about her mom. Although we have the same mother, she got a completely different version. I got lectures, negativity and isolation. While she got love, understand and hugs. I have never felt my accomplishments were good enough for my mother but everything my sister did was more than enough for her mother. My mother was cold, called me fat and told me I should put makeup on. Her mother told her how beautiful she was, that she looked just as beautiful as her mother and she was perfect. I so wish I had my sister's mother as opposed to the Momster I continue to have. The one I can't turn to and ask for a simple glass of water because I'm old and should be able to get it or go buy it myself. The Momster that only babysits my daughter while I'm at work but not any other time. I guess I was never meant to have my sister's mother because I was always meant to be a better version for my own daughter. Momster you taught me how to be loving, nurturing, and caring. You taught me to care for my daughter and never ever make her feel lesa than. You taught me to always make sure my daughter knows how beautiful she is in her own skin. You taught me how not to be a Momster like you. Growing up I wish I had my sister's mom but I guess all along you were teaching me a lesson on how to be better for the next generation. How not to be anything like you, and for that I am grateful. I will never be able to tell you how I feel or give you a hug but my daughter will always have a mother she can be proud of and not a Momster who left her alone while carrying for her newest daughter.