Grief
They say grief comes in five different stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. Though, I feel like I will never fully accept that my mother is dead. I feel like I'll be forever known as the girl who cannot get over her mother's death. On March 26th, 2017, I lost my best friend. The person who's supposed to be there to help you get ready for your wedding, be in the delivery room welcoming to the world your children with you, helping you grow into the person you're supposed to be. I lost my mother. It's been six years and I still contemplate everyday not only what but if, I could have done to change things. While six years seems like a long time to others it doesn't to me. It still feels like it was yesterday, I had woken up and seen the ambulance lights outside of my house serval EMTs ran into my house asking what happened and where they were, and I couldn't get any words out I had no idea what was going on. My dad shortly yelled "We're upstairs" and there they went. Shortly after my sister who was still living with us at the time came down the steps and my heart sank; I knew it was my mom. I sat down on the couch while my dad and sister made a human shield over me so I couldn't seem my mom on the stretcher as they brought her down the steps. I knew at that moment it wasn't good, I had some hope, but I knew she was gone. My sister and I had driven to the hospital separately from my dad and when we got there, they had brought us into a tiny little room where my dad and one of the EMTs on shift that morning who was also a family friend waited for us, and my dad hugged us and said she was gone. There I was, freshly 18 and now without a mother. We started calling friends and family and the wails I had to hear and experience that morning is something you don't really get over. While most 18-year-olds are planning out the next four years of their life trying to decide on going to community college or university or wanting to take a gap year to work and save up some money or not. I was planning my mother's viewing and celebration of life. Putting input in on whether we should cremate her or open/closed casket, things that now when I look back at it, I am grateful I was a part of, but it was a lot for an 18-year-old to take in. I had just lost my mother, and everyone wanted answers right away they wanted to plan things right away. I almost felt as life was moving on too quickly. Now when a big life event like this comes into play you have friends and family members who I hadn't seen since I was a child were coming in from all over the place, people showing up at our doorstep what felt like every five minutes to be there for my family in a time of need. But then you also have the gossipers, the ones who felt like they needed to know everything about what happened that morning. All I heard for weeks was "I'm so sorry for your loss..but what happened? She was so young." "You're so strong, I couldn't imagine losing a parent at such a young age. Do you know what happened yet?" No, no I didn't know what happened and to be quite frank now that I do know what happened it still doesn't change the fact that my mother was a good person and a damn good mother, who always put her children first, and with that there is only one person who I fully blame for her death but of course I'll forever keep that to myself, I just hope she realizes that she is the reason why my mother is dead. I hope she cherishes every moment she gets to spend with her children and now grandchildren. I hope she realizes that she took something from me and experiences from my family. My mother wasn't there to watch me graduate high school, she'll never be there to help me get ready for my wedding, she'll never get to meet my children. All of these life events my mother missed because of her. At the end of the day, I'll never understand why my mother was taken from us so early, and I guess that means I'll be forever known as the girl who will never get over her mother's death.
