Amanda Trusler

Narcissistic destruction

I met him in my freshman year. We both attended the alternative school. Him because he was bullied and me because I was always in trouble due to a horrible upbringing with parents who were... let’s just say nonexistent. So starting off I was dealing with issues of abandonment and security issues. But he was the class clown and made me smile and that was a big deal for me. All he had to do was make me smile. And just like that I loved him. Or so I thought. I’ve since learned in therapy I more clang to him out of Ute desperation just to feel liked, loved or anything really. I was the one who made the move. Well my best friend at the time did. Kim was her name or her made up name for this stories purpose. She told him I liked him. And from that moment on we spent everyday together. He drove me to and from school. I knew from the first date he wasn’t only attracted to women. He checked out men in front of me. But I told him it was fine. That as long as he was with me and only me it didn’t bother me. We were dating about 6 months the first time he had an affair. He worked at a restaurant as a cook and a gay server started there. And every night after work he would come see me. Well this night he shows up with the other man. He tells me I am riding in the back and if I didn’t like it then get out. I wish daily that I would have went back to that moment and got out. But I had nobody to love me at the time and thought I needed him. So I spent the next 2 hours riding around with my boyfriend and his lover. He devoted all his time and attention to the other guy. But I said nothing. He took us both home and I was sick over it. But I stayed. About 2 months later my parent made an announcement. They would be moving several states away and instead of telling me I must go at the age of 16 they gave me the option to stay. So here I thought I was in love and I couldn’t leave. So we got our first apartment. I was 16 he just turned 18. Immediately the daily affairs began. I was stuck he knew it. Every affair came the one night apology followed by the I don’t want to hear you mention the shit again or leave. Followed by a list of musts for me to keep him faithful. This went on for our whole marriage. I started to hate myself and developed a substance abuse problem. I attempted suicide at 17 which landed me institutionalized. Of course as a minor your parents must get you out. But mine said they didn’t want me. So legal emancipation was what came from it. So more abandonment. Years of this went on. But he never physically assaulted me. Sometimes I wish he would have instead of the emotional pain. But we had our son at 19 and 21. Did it slow him?? No. Now he just had a tool to use against me. A little person to constantly brainwash into thinking his mother was bad. Over these years his family and I became very very close. I grew so close with his mom that I started calling her mom. And called her 5 to 6 times a day. Well fast forward a few years. He has yet another affair. I say that’s it I’m done. And I meant it. So he finally agreed to marriage counseling. We chose a sex addiction specialist. She told me 3 options. 1. Allow him to continue cheating and keep being hurt. 2. Open my marriage but us agree to what is allowable and what isn’t. 3. Leave. Well one and three hurt too much to consider so two it was. Well something happened with that. He realized just how many people in the world wanted me now. And he got jealous. So we bring home a man from a gay bar. And that night changed me. He smashed a line of crystal meth on my dresser and said try it. I looked to my husband and said should I?? He said go for it. I flew that night. Never to return. That night was in 2013. My son was 7. I didn’t come back home after that night until 2015. 2 years. Of heroin and meth use. Homelessness with this stranger from the bar. I lost myself. So when I got better in 2015 I wanted to come home. I did and the man I left with hung himself that year which caused a slip. I fell back. But I picked myself up. And a year later another slip. But I knew I could beat this thing. But how. So the next slip I left my husband again. I went to sober living. Only to be served with emergency custody papers. It hurt my heart but I understood. I was not being a stand up mother by any means and my son deserved better. But that letter motivated me. I didn’t pick up again. I moved on. I got my life together. And ever since that day October 31 2018 I have not used a drug or drink to mood alter. Now since then my ex husband yes now ex husband has tried to get me back as soon as I move on. But I don’t fall for it anymore. I know my worth now and I’m so happy alone. And I am alone. He has convinced his family I’m the devil and made up all the affairs and mental abuse. But you know what I don’t answer to him anymore. And I’m happy. Today I’m happy.