Wasting life 2
Honestly, My life could’ve continued to get even worse at that point. It started off pretty horrible and traumatic but it honestly got better (for awhile). I lived with my grandma and we pushed through everything together. Never really heard from my mom. It bothered my little heart for awhile but honestly I forgot about her for a period of time. I had two friends I would spend almost everyday with due to my grandma working constantly to support me and her. One was named Melanie, she was about a year older and her family took good care of me while my grandma was always working. The other was Susanna, she was a few months younger than me and she was probably the closest friend I’ve ever had. I sometimes still miss her but we’re two extremely different people now, I was basically always with her and her big crazy family everyday. I felt like I belonged there. She had everything I wanted, a mom and dad together and brothers and sisters. However, By the time I was 9 I had a desire to know what happened to my birth mom. I would see her dad a few times a year but we never talked about her. He would take care of me by buying me clothes a few times a year, and we would talk about everything but her. I never had the guts to ask him about her until I finally told my grandma I wanted to ask him. She didn’t encourage or discourage it but simply said I should ask him where she was. Well, I finally got the nerve at 9 years old to ask where my mom was, all he did was pull out his phone and read a number to me. I wrote it down, never called or texted. I fantasized about calling or texting her and meeting her but didn’t want to scare her off. The thought of her possibly rejecting me scared me enough to be satisfied with the way things were. But later that same year, I made a Facebook account to play games on the computer at my grandmas office. Well guess who popped up as a suggested friend? My mom. I remember freezing and not knowing what to do. I showed it to my grandma and she told me to leave it alone and “don’t send a friend request”. Well, I guess this was my first real rebellious act...I sent the friend request and closed it super quick so my grandma wouldn’t see. However, I didn’t know I should’ve logged out and my grandma saw the accepted friend request a few days later and came to me asking why I did it. I remember crying and just saying how much I wanted her in my life. My grandma was very understanding and actually encouraged me to send her a message. Before I did that though I went through her pictures and I saw lots of pictures with a little girl who looked just like me. I was going to send her a message first but she had already sent me one asking if my grandma knew I had contacted her. I replied with yes and a bunch of questions I don’t remember. The main question I had though was who the little girl was. She told me her name was august and she was my little sister. She was 3 years old and the most precious thing I’d ever seen. I remember falling in love through the screen. All my life I’d asked my grandma to adopt me a little sister. Obviously it never happened but now I had better than an adopted sister I had a real sister <3. I was so happy to finally know my mom wasn’t alone without me. My mom and I talked for a few months everyday. By this time I was 10 and in my final year in elementary school. At this time, I was starting to become very confused about my life and where I belonged in the world. I noticed how I had an attraction to this girl and also a boy in my class. It scared me because I was raised in a religion that says same sex relationships were a definite no. But when the girl told me she liked me back I guess all that I was taught went to waste because I had my first little girlfriend... I realized pretty quickly I was bisexual. Thats what started a horrible downhill spiral for me.
