The Goddess Of Death

As we entered Judgement Realm, a sense of deep calm washed over me and a shiver rose up through my spine. It was almost as if I was being welcomed by the very building. Everything about it nurtured the body and mind. The walls were soft with pink marble that swirled along the architecture with delicate precision. Underfoot was grass that felt fresh and glistened with tears of dew. Above us, there was no ceiling, only a bright aurora borealis licking the walls. I wondered what kind of a Hell this was to be so gloriously kind in appearance. I imagined it must get worse the further into it you fell. Perhaps it would turn to Phoenix shit below your feet as you got closer to the throne that lay dormant ahead. I pulled myself closer to my Guard as the fears I imagined evolved and mutated into a panicked stupor. The guide merely turned to face me, smiled a knowing smile, and twinkled back on its trajectory. The smile offended me, who was this Guide to treat me with such condescension? I suppressed my feelings and reminded myself that smiling is not offensive - I am just afraid.

As I felt this thought a light was born of the aurora, as we approached the throne of golden braid and cloud like pillows. A needle width bolt of light shot down onto the throne and from the light appeared a being with kind eyes. The being was young, ageless, with a stern face and a beautiful appearance. She somewhat fluttered in the light so her face always shone out with glittering softness. As she assessed my guide and I she lightly twizzled a lock of her hair within her fingers.

“You are afraid?” she spoke with lilt and power. I hid behind my Guide with fear embracing my face. “What brings you fear?” My guide turned to face me and held me as it lead me to the feet of the Goddess. I looked at the floor, afraid to meet her gaze, and gently sat down to pray. The goddess moved her foot and used it to lift my face. My heart stopped and my body shook, tears filling my eyes. What was she going to do?

“You fear me, child?” I shut my eyes and begged please don’t hurt me, over and over, until I began to be confused, for there was no pain brought to me. “Will you speak to me?” she asked. My eyes opened and I saw her face fall with pity and sadness. My guide answered for me.

“My ward has no words that are worthy of a Goddess, your Grace. She fears she may offend,” I faced the Guide with panic in my eyes, and back at the Goddess.

“Well I cannot give her what she seeks if she cannot use her own voice,” The goddess twittered, standing and crouching to view me at eye level. “They must have told you awful stories about my kind,” she assessed. She looked in my face and there was a deep moment of contemplation. “I am giving you permission to speak, and you shall not be harmed regardless of the words you shall give me.”

“You can read my thoughts…why not just talk to me telepathically?” I barely managed to squeak out. The Goddess smiled warmly.

“Is that what you’d prefer?” she asked.

“Is that okay?” I returned. The Goddess laughed gently,

“Of course, but most humans prefer to speak, as it’s less likely your thoughts will get confused and we will misunderstand you. Humans have not managed to learn to speak with their minds very well just yet.”

“You speak as if you’re trying to get them to” The Goddess laughed again. She knelt in front of me and gently returned my eyes to hers, I had begun to stare at my hands.

“We created you, in order for you to learn. Every moment you exist is designed to teach you something. So in a way, yes, I suppose we are trying to “get them” to.”

“What am I allowed to say to you?” I asked, a strength building in my vocal chords.

“As long as you don’t call me names or threaten my family, you may say whatever words you wish to, I was created for you,”

“But you created us, how could that be possible?”

“How is anything possible? The right conditions arrived. That’s the answer.” I stared at her.

“Why is it so beautiful here?”

“What do you mean?”

“Isn’t this Hell?” She looked at me for a moment and then breathed in a thought.

“I suppose this is technically “Hell”, but why shouldn’t it be beautiful?” Good point, I thought. I saw her mouth jut into a small smile at that thought.

“We’re told Hell is dangerous, and scary, and where all the bad people go”

The Goddess sat back on her heels and stood up, offering me her hands as she did so. She beckoned for me to follow her, and I glanced back at my guide, who waved gently and then vanished into the technicolour she had arrived in. I began to hang back “She’s fine, she’ll be there when we get back” The Goddess called to me, without facing me. I followed diligently until we came upon a soul sobbing on the floor in a dark light of her creation. The Goddess saw me attempt to walk forward, but held my hand to offer me caution.

“May I show you what Judgement looks like, child?” She asked. You aren’t going to torture her are you? I thought. The Goddess merely smiled softly at me and knelt before the crying soul.

“Please don’t hurt me” said the soul. It repeated it over and over again, gasping in fear and choking on her tears. Her nose ran, her eyes were glossed with hot tears and her mouth had a small trail of vomit hanging from her bottom lip. The Goddess said nothing. My heart hid in my throat as I watched her begin to gently adjust the light emanating from the soul. The deep tendrils of darkness flickered like a candle’s flame as the colour began to run. From deep Navy blue to a cerulean to a turquoise to a vibrant baby blue the colours lapped, from forest green to lime, from blood red to soft pink the colours brightened and the darkness began to fall out in her tears. Her body began to convulse and wretch as the darkness spilled itself out of her body. From moments ago to now was a completely different soul. The darkness of her energy, the blackness in her eyes and the pain screaming from her lips began to feel more like a toddler throwing a tantrum. The Goddess continued her work, lifting the girls arms and assessing the damage. The girl continued to cry, but there was a longing to it. It wasn’t the despair filled tears of sorrow from before. Eventually I realised the girl had been naked, only after noticing the warm clothes the goddess had adorned her with. Her hair was wet, but now was hidden under a soft towel, her face cleaned with deliberate movements. The goddess moved down her body, touching each spot of darkness, never long enough to even register the touch. The Goddess lifted the now sparkling face of the tear filled child that stood before her.

“Why am I here?” She asked. “I just killed myself, what am I doing here?”

The revelation took me aback.

“You’ve met with a terrible fate, my dear,” The goddess whispered.

“I thought I wasn’t allowed to-”

“You are allowed to do whatever you wish, child”

“But…aren’t you angry with me?”

“For what?” At that moment the girl looked down, the colour of her light bleeding bright yellow.

“You know what I did” she barely croaked out.

“What did you do?”

Silence filled the room as I imagined the girl must have been thinking of every terrible thing she ever did. The reasons she deserves to suffer. The reasons she deserves to be in pain and sorrow and why she shouldn’t be allowed to continue, why she should be abandoned and left behind: Why she didn’t want to be alive anymore. The Goddess stared into her eyes as she cried, doing something I didn’t expect. Listening. Just listening. Minutes passed, hours then, but time felt like it had stopped.

“Now tell me, child.” began the Goddess, who had found herself with the girl’s head in her lap, stroking her hair as she continued to cry. “If it was me, would you abandon me?”

The girl shot up with indignation in her eyes. After a moment, she thought to herself, and the Goddess smiled. “Exactly, now stop all this and we will fix it,” The girl smiled with relief, and hugged the Goddess. My fear held me back as I watched the judgement pass. The girl brightened with a blinding light and within a moment, was gone.

“Wait, where did she go?” The Goddess merely stood and began to lead the way back. I feared asking a second time, so I did it in my mind.

“She chose to Return,” the Goddess replied.

“Return to where?”

“Return to Earth, of course. She has things she wants to do, still, dreams to fulfil, goals to achieve. That is all my role is, child. If she wants to end her time on Earth she returns to the stars, if she wants to return to the world of the living, she returns to the Earth, with no knowledge of her time here, her admission, her suffering”

“Then how would she learn? How does she know she can do all the things she wants?”

“Do you?” The Goddess asked. “Multiple lifetimes are not easy to remember. Multiple lifetimes means multiple gargantuan failures. multiple heartbreaks, multiple deaths, and multiple beginnings. Some people want to live forever, some do not. We teach you the same things each time you’re born. Some people take multiple lifetimes to get the messages we send. It’s far more complicated than you could imagine. But there is no torture, no pain, no suffering inflicted once you have entered this realm, no more than there would be in the living realm. Torture is for Earth.” Earth is torture? I thought to myself.

“Yes.” the Goddess replied.

“Then why do we want to live so badly?”

“Everything that is born, seeks to live.”

“But its torture”

“Yes”

“But we want it?”

“Yes”

“But why?”

The goddess closed my lips with a finger on her own.

“Why are you here, child?”

I thought about it for a moment. How did I even get here?

Immediately the Judgement realm disappeared and my bedroom ceiling came back into focus. Was that a dream, or did it really happen?