Zestful Cosplay

Today I’m going to wear a chest binder. Today is Halloween and I am going as Quentin Quire. My hair is cut and dyed. I have assembled the pieces of costume. It’s just a bunch of stuff that I bought online. But I have never felt so alive.

So much more like myself in years.

And I’m just playing some snarky comic book character. There was this feeling of dread and excitement inside of me. Dread that someone would realize things about me that I didn’t want them to. That I was going to be outed while at work. Excitement at the idea of being more masculine. Openly more masculine. As where I was working things weren’t all that great in that regard. In fact, they were intolerant looking back on things. Not outright but nasty a lot of the time.

Only a couple of years later did someone terrible really did show up. But I won’t be talking about him. He’s not someone that I really want to think about at any point. Nor is he really all that relevant to the story. I would rather talk about how the costume had made me feel at the time. How it made me feel like myself. Who knew that dressing up like a punk comic book character could make you feel that way? I hadn’t fully realized that until I put on the chest binder and the clothes. That’s when the full weight of my identity fully sank in on me. And things finally got real for me as I did my normal tasks while at work. Which stupidly included wearing a black leather jacket indoors. As well as under my blue work vest that I had to wear.

That was the one thing I would change about that whole costume.

Aside from that it really gave me a chance to realize that I could be myself. As well as more ideas for costumes with chest binders. Like after that I dressed up as John Watson. Along with a regular werewolf costume. Well, a generic werewolf costume. Jeans, a white t-shirt, red flannel, and my chest binder. Along with brown paws, ears, and a tail. I also got a fake nose that I put on. Well fake snout thing. I also went as Ken a year ago. Then Beetlejuice last year as well. Both of which I wore a white chest binder that went under my white shirts as well. It was nice having that on and looking more masculine than I had ever gotten to look in years.

I also got a whole lot of compliments the day that I went into work as Quentin Quire. No one offline really knew what I was. Not a lot of people were comic book fans like I had hoped they were. And none of them went out of their way to ask me what I was. Though a lot of people said that the look suited me. As well as saying that I probably should be wearing it more often as it looks good on me. Though I probably wouldn’t wear the stupid leather jacket under my uniform again. Since it was a struggle and I feared tearing my uniform while wearing it. Don’t have to worry about it anymore but still. Anyways. It felt nice that customers thought I looked good in it.

But the online responses that I got were wonderful. People were complimenting me on how I looked. And I felt so seen in that costume. As ridiculous as that seems. I finally felt like people saw me. For whom and what I was.

It’s strange how cosplaying as a transman version of a cisgender man feels that way. That allows me to be myself. Or at least a version of myself that I could live with for one day. Even if it seems silly four years or so later. It was by far one of the most wonderful things that I had experienced. Even if it was just for one night. Just one moment of me wearing a costume like armor. Which was the catalyst for me to try and be more masculine and to dress as such. Despite how many people say that I was prettier looking like a woman despite how miserable I felt. How dressing up as Quentin Quire for one afternoon had helped me out so much.

In a weird way I must thank the character a lot. He gave me the backbone and the urge to become someone I never would have. Thanks to him, I’m dressing more masculine, and I came out to my mother not long after. And I will not be afraid to continue to do so. I won’t let anyone take me away from me. Ever.