Words I Wish I Could Take Back

It’s funny, you know? Being an extrovert. People always think you’ve got it so easy, that you just walk into a room, start talking, and magically everyone loves you. “Oh, you must be great at making friends!” they say. “You’re so lucky to be so confident!” I hear this all the time. But no one really gets what it’s like when the talking doesn’t stop. No one tells you about the moments after the laughter dies down, when you’ve opened up too much, said too much, and it comes back to bite you.

I’ve always been the kind of person to share things, big things, little things, thoughts I probably should’ve kept to myself. I can’t seem to help it. It’s just this instinct to fill the silence, to say whatever’s on my mind in the moment. And don’t get me wrong, sometimes that’s great. Sometimes I feel connected to people, like there’s no distance between us because we’re sharing real parts of ourselves. But more often than not, it’s exhausting.

There are times when I wish I was an introvert. Maybe then, I wouldn’t feel this constant need to talk, to share, to connect. I’d keep things inside, lock them away where no one could touch them. If I didn’t open up, if I didn’t talk so much, then maybe I wouldn’t have to face the rejection that seems to come with it. Because that’s the thing, they don’t tell you how much rejection an extrovert can face.

It’s this strange irony, right? You talk, you share, you try to connect, but then… you feel like you’re too much. Too loud. Too open. Too vulnerable. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve walked away from conversations and thought, “Why did I say that? Why didn’t I just keep my mouth shut?” It’s like, the more you say, the more there is for people to reject. And that rejection? It stings. It lingers.

Just the other day, I was listening to an Indian rapper, Krsna, and I remembered hearing somewhere that he’s actually introverted and shy. It struck me because this guy, he’s making these intense rap songs, spitting fire on diss tracks, and you’d never imagine he’s someone who keeps to himself. But that made me think, what’s it like for him, being an introvert who lets his thoughts out in such a raw, aggressive way through his music? It made sense to me in a way. Maybe that’s the balance he’s found, to keep quiet on the outside but pour everything into his art. He gets to express what’s inside, but on his terms, and only when he’s ready. I envy that.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s better to keep things bottled up like that, to let them out only in controlled bursts, instead of constantly spilling your guts to anyone who’ll listen. Maybe I’d suffer in silence like Krsna probably does in his quiet moments, but at least I wouldn’t have to feel the weight of rejection. At least my suffering would be mine alone, hidden away where no one could reject it.

I guess that’s the part people don’t see about being an extrovert. It’s not all fun and easy. It’s not just about walking into a room and lighting it up. Sometimes it’s about walking out of that room feeling like you left too much of yourself behind, feeling like people took pieces of you and didn’t want them. And that hurts.

I’m tired of always being the one to reach out, to start the conversation, to try and keep things going. It’s exhausting, and sometimes I just don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to keep putting myself out there, only to have my words met with silence or indifference.

If I were an introvert, maybe I’d still suffer, but at least it would be my own suffering. I wouldn’t have to face the rejection from others, the feeling that maybe I’m just not good enough or interesting enough or whatever it is that makes people pull away. I could sit quietly with my own thoughts, even if they were heavy and painful. At least then I’d know that the pain was my own and no one else had the power to add to it.

But I’m not an introvert. I’m still the person who talks too much, who shares too easily, and who feels too deeply when the rejection comes. I guess I’ll keep filling the silence, even if it means facing that rejection again and again. Because of all the pain it brings, I don’t know how to be anything else.