The Shadows Lengthen

The past few months have carved a hollow space in this Fox's heart. Two important figures in her life have departed this world - her estranged adoptive mother, who passed at 81 from natural causes, and more recently, her birth mother, who lost her battle with cancer just over a week ago. The weight of these losses has been immense, casting long shadows over the Fox's days since February, when the news first arrived via a phone call that still echoes in her memory.

Depression has a way of digging its claws in during times like these. The rhythms that once structured this Fox's life - working out, eating mindfully, focusing on university work - have become increasingly difficult to maintain. The routines that once provided stability now feel like mountains too steep to climb, with each day presenting its own unique challenge just to rise from bed and face the morning light. Tasks that once took minutes now demand hours, if they're completed at all.

Yet, even in darkness, this Fox searches for pinpoints of light. She turns to creative projects that help her focus, even if they aren't as "productive" as previous endeavors. Sometimes healing doesn't look like achievement - it looks like survival, like finding enough energy to prepare a simple meal or send an email to a professor requesting an extension. These small victories, though invisible to others, feel monumental.

The world of Tamriel has always been a refuge when reality becomes too sharp-edged. This Fox's latest Skyrim playthrough took an unexpectedly creative turn with Ambrel, a Dunmer vampire who fled Skyrim for Bruma in exile, accompanied only by his undead wolf companion, Scout. The character's exile mirrored the Fox's own feelings of isolation, providing an unexpected therapeutic outlet.

In her storytelling, Ambrel spent five years in Bruma, where his frost-bitten heart found unexpected warmth in a Khajiit named Bikhai (from the wonderful Khajiit Will Follow mod). After developing an intense hatred for the Thalmor when they took his best friend (this Fox shall spare you the spoilers from the Bruma quests), he eventually returned to Skyrim. There, at Bikhai's urging, he joined the Vigilants of Stendarr - leading the Fox through the Vigilant mod, which twisted and turned through dark corridors of both dungeons and morality.

The storyline took unexpected turns, with Ambrel finding his place among the very hunters who would normally seek to destroy his kind. His journey from outcast to reluctant hero offered the Fox a chance to explore themes of belonging and redemption, concepts that felt particularly poignant during these months of personal loss and searching.

Between moments of grief, this Fox has been nurturing two writing projects with trembling paws. The first is a fanfiction stemming from an older playthrough, centered on her Imperial Dragonborn, Victoria Stoneheart. Victoria emerged during a time when the Fox herself felt stronger, and returning to her voice feels like visiting with an old friend who remembers better days.

Victoria's story has been sitting half-finished for months, waiting for the Fox to return to it. In recent weeks, adding paragraphs and scenes has become a way to reconnect with creative joy. There's something comforting about returning to Skyrim's familiar landscapes and challenges through Victoria's eyes, seeing them transformed by the character's unique perspective and choices.

The second is an original project inspired by Madeline Miller's "Song of Achilles" and "Circe," plus the wonderful "Epic the Musical" by Jorge Rivera-Herrans. This project demands more emotional vulnerability than the Fox typically allows herself, forcing her to examine themes of family, belonging, and the weight of expectations - all topics that resonate painfully in the aftermath of loss.

Writing has always been this Fox's anchor when emotions threaten to pull her under. Even when the words come slowly or reluctantly, they provide a purpose, a direction when other paths seem foggy and uncertain. The blank page doesn't judge the days when only a few sentences emerge, nor does it comment on the teardrops that occasionally stain the keyboard.

This Fox doesn't know how long it will take to climb her way back out of this hole. She's the kind of person who internalizes things until there's no wiggle room left. She knows this isn't healthy, but it's been her pattern for as long as she can remember. The grief sits heavy in her chest like a stone, occasionally shifting to remind her of its presence when she least expects it.

Going forward, this Fox will be focusing more on writing - providing Skyrim-based reviews, book reviews, and perhaps sharing insights on the writing field. The Fox may be wounded, but she hasn't forgotten how to howl, even if that howl sometimes catches in her throat.

Until her next update, look after your own mental health. The journey through grief isn't linear, and neither is healing. Sometimes the bravest thing we can do is acknowledge our pain and keep moving forward anyway, one small step at a time, one word at a time, one breath at a time.