The Departure of the Ghost: A Journey Through Pain, Suffering, and Returning to Oneself

The Soul-Departure

I tried to find the right word for this state. Deep sighs, conversations with myself, occasional sentences exchanged with those around me. I don’t know if my throat hurts more or if the pain in my chest is tightening more. And again, a sigh. Fear, hopelessness, disappointment. And again, the same voices and caricatures.

Facing the Past

Tomorrow is the time to face work. It’s been almost five months. I see my silhouette climbing step by step to my cave. Piles of dusty papers, cobwebs in the corners, an old computer that freezes. I sit on the chair, the backrest falling off. I lift it and search through the drawers to continue where I left off in December.

The Weight of an Unplanned Pregnancy

It’s not often that a 43-year-old woman becomes pregnant for the third time, especially when they’ve told her she no longer ovulates. David and I shared moments of intimacy, numerous times a day, even when it hurt, when it was uncomfortable, when there was blood, and when I used medical treatments. Despite the doctor’s advice to avoid intimacy, I wanted him. I wanted his touch, his presence, even when it was emotionally exhausting.

Emotional Caricatures and Loss

Now, I feel the emptiness inside me, especially when I think of those moments. The void of a loss that was both physical and emotional. Last night, we were together, but it didn’t bring me the relief I sought, as I held back for the sake of our children. I allowed him to take control, but something felt absent, a disconnect that I couldn’t fill. Today, I feel a need to reclaim that control and find a way to heal from this emptiness.

Contrasting with Past Experiences

With him, with David, everything is different. Although I planned just to enjoy the physical connection, we found ourselves navigating a deeper bond. Despite everything we’ve gone through, I feel like we’re building something more substantial than I ever expected. We’ve crossed so many difficult moments together, and the journey seems far from over.

The Painful Loss of a Child

"Tamara on the phone, Tatiana, is this you?",

"Yes."

"I have bad news for you, your prenatal test results are not good. The fetus has been diagnosed with Down syndrome, but it’s a boy, just so you know."

I felt dizzy lying on the bed. Tears, only tears, and a deep ache. The physical pain of the situation was overwhelming, but the emotional toll was even heavier. I couldn’t understand how life could be so cruel in that moment.

Court Problems and Moving

“Let’s have breakfast,” David called me to the dining room. He cooked four eggs for us to share. Above me, I see four nurses circling my head, the cold on my body and... pain, pain. Some kids around my head, everyone screaming, crying, pleading... They took it out. The stomach is empty. Only pain remains, a shallow scar, and a lot of blood.

In the next moment, I found myself facing the court’s decision to vacate my home. The physical exhaustion from the C-section and emotional strain were overwhelming, but the legal battle left me feeling powerless. The doorbell rang, and strangers held up papers that said we had no choice but to leave. In that instant, the emotional and physical weight of it all hit me, and all I could do was watch the door close behind me.

Reflection and Moving Forward

And while I think about everything—the burden, the loss, and the cross I carry—again, I take a deep breath and pause. A message comes to me: “You’re not alone anymore.” In these moments, I realize that the journey of healing doesn’t need to be walked alone.

Questions for the Readers:

How do you cope with emotional loss, whether it’s the loss of a child, a relationship, or something else?

Have you ever experienced a situation where the weight of life’s difficulties felt unbearable? How did you find the strength to move forward?

What helped you face your past and navigate overwhelming emotions?

#EmotionalHealing #UnplannedPregnancy #LossAndGrief #PersonalGrowth #FacingThePast #StrengthInAdversity #MediumWriting #MentalHealthAwareness