Temerity

I find myself drifting away to the idea of a romance that sets my soul on fire. A devotion so damning not even God could save me from my fall from grace. And the fall so full of lust and tenderness that when I hit the ground, I try to claw for something to steady me. The ache my body held from this desire was undeniable, a feeling that can not be ignored.

I want a love that leaves me breathless and corrupts me in the most beautiful way known to man. To feel how flowers do when the sunlight cascades on their petals; overflowing with a warmth that makes even the flowers themselves smile. Or how the stars do in the summer night sky, on display and admired. To have a person who I want to spend eternity with and somehow it still wouldn’t feel long enough.

A love that challenges my temerity and breaks the hard exterior I so desperately try to cling on to - finally revealing the soft woman on the inside. But she's not a woman, she's the child who craves a love she has never known. The type of love that is only true in fairy tales, where a prince whisks her away and saves her from all hardships that her life has offered her thus far. Where home isn’t a physical place where I reside, but rather a person. Home is in his arms, a place where I finally feel where I belong and where I can become undone.

A home that is filled with love and softness not volatility and hostility. Where a slam of a door doesn't mean that they're angry at me, they just misjudged how hard they closed the door. Where I don't have to decipher who is angry by the sound of their footsteps because a home doesn't hold anger. The sound of a glass or dish smashing doesn't send me into a spiral of dread because it was an accident; it's replaceable. He doesn't shout or raise his voice, he helps me clean up whilst comforting me , "There's nothing to panic about because it was an accident. Breathe. It's okay darling, we can fix this."

How gently he touches my sun kissed skin in the kitchen as I sit upon the counter top after the mess has been cleared. The way the back of his hand strokes my cheek which smoothly transitions to his hand cupping my jaw. And when I place my hand over his to ensure he keeps it there longer, the smile that creeps across my face as I'm filled with comfort and tranquillity. I place my head against his chest and tears silently roll down my cheek; a combination of knowing he cares but the echo of those who didn't care enough. I finally feel safe enough to let my walls down and be the delicate flower I am; him making sure he doesn't crush my petals. I don't want someone to try and fix me, I can only fix myself in time. I want someone to want me and love me for the person I am. To hold me and let me know it's okay not be okay.That I don't have to carry the weight of the world alone right now. His hand cradles my head and he kisses the top of my head, my laboured breathing indicating how I was feeling. He rocks me in a soothing manner, his movements slow and rhythmic.

I wrap my arms around his neck as he scoops me up and carries me to the bedroom and places me on the bed. I watch him through the doorway enter the bathroom and he begins to draw a bath, the muffled sound of the water hitting the bathtub fills the hallway. He re-enters the room and gazes at me lovingly as he unbuttons his cuffs and rolls up the sleeves of his crisp white shirt; he begins to walk over to the bed. The brevity of his skin against mine only makes my body burn for him even more. With that thought lingering in my head, I reach out for his hand which he then picks up and kisses before once more picking me up and taking me to the bathroom. I lift my arms up, then feeling the hem of my t-shirt lifting up over my torso and over my arms. I cover my chest as I shy away. The tips of his fingers tilted my chin upwards to meet his eyes, it was a look that said 'You're beautiful, stop with the fortitude and just be you. You are safe.' His free hand taking mine and pulling them away from my frame, his digits trailing to my pants and pulling them off too. His eyes studied my naked body, admiring me almost, before I stepped into the bubble filled bathtub that was situated to the right of the room. The hot water already turning my pale skin a rosy red within minutes. I propped my arm on the ledge of the tub and nestled my head into my arm.

Water cascades over me as he begins to wash my hair, the tenderness and sentiment of the action was enough for me to sink into the secureness that was him. The sensation of his fingertips massaging the shampoo into my scalp felt like pure bliss. A certain feeling of serendipity washes over my body, much like the water was doing. Soft lips then plant kisses against the back of my neck then followed by a soapy loofah gliding up and down my back. There was something about the moment at present that felt serene, like nothing in the world could disturb the peace and love that flowed in abundance in this room. In this moment I felt whole. To be loved was all I ever wanted. And I felt loved.