Sleepovers

I think I love sleepovers as an adult because I didn't have them often as a kid. It wasn't because my parents were too concerned about safety, but more out of embarrassment. My house wasn't… good. I don't even want to use the words "cluttered" or "dirty". It truly was scary sometimes. And when I say "scary" I don't mean for me really, but more for visitors and the idea of showing it to them. I had grown accustomed to the mold, darkness, deterioration, bugs, smell, clutter, and hazards. However, if I walked in as a stranger with no prior exposure to this type of lifestyle, I would be scared. Scared to sit and touch things, scared to put my feet on the ground, scared to use the pans in the cabinet.

Of course, I found comfort (and still do) in the familiarity of certain aspects. The forest green color of my kitchen cabinets. The 80s pink, flowered wallpaper in my bathroom where I could always make out faces in the flower pattern. The light switch hanging from the dining room ceiling that still worked perfectly.

But each time I return to my childhood home, I feel less and less of this familiarity and see more of the sad reality of the state of the house. Just like being "nose blind" and not realizing something smells bad until you've breathed in fresh air, the severity of the situation becomes more apparent as I distance myself.

I would keep my room clean and tidy best I could, knowing I couldn't change the state of everything else. I couldn't repair the holes in the wall, get rid of my dad's stacks of boxes, or even scrub away the mold in the shower (it always came back).

I couldn't fix the collapsing wooden staircase outside, get rid of all the camel crickets, or be responsible for decluttering the junk room.

I was a kid.

Now, I love sleepovers because I can make sure that not only my room is clean, but that the living room smells nice.

I can buy things that are pleasant and comfy. I can throw away things that don't serve me anymore. I can choose to live somewhere that is safe and not compromising my health.

I like sleepovers now because I am in control of my mess. I don't hoard things, everything has a place, and I have my systems to keep me organized.

I can effortlessly say, "Wanna sleepover?"