Sad Girl Mix

Sad songs are my muse.

They always have been.

I started writing stories when I was eleven years old (thank you fan fiction) and have always found inspiration in listening to songs while trying to come to terms with my feelings. This is not as simple a task as it sounds, I promise, but the process I created helped me in attempts to make sense of things I didn't understand, cope with what I couldn't control...which was, realistically, everything that ever happened to me.

And yet, I've lost my muse in recent years. Actually, its been seven years and change, ever since I met my now-husband. It's crazy to think about but it's true. I was a creator for years before I met him and then we met and I just...stopped.

I was happy. I was fulfilled. I was validated.

I felt heard. I felt understood. I felt empowered.

And I just lost the muse to create stories as an outlet of expression.

Not that there's anything wrong with writing about being happy--it's just that I can't. It doesn't hit the same way. It seems silly even now as a write it but there's less catharsis in writing about good feelings (for me, at least) than there is in writing about the bad ones.

By bleeding your sad feelings out in words, you allow yourself to start fresh and begin whatever road to recovery that is necessary for your current plight, usually an unforeseen heartbreak. But writing about your happiness? What does that accomplish? It doesn't seem to do anything for me except feel like I'm bragging about finally getting lucky and finding the love of my life.

And that doesn't seem like the right thing to do.

And yet, I miss writing terribly. I miss being able to put my sequential thoughts to a keyboard while I listen to sad songs that cyclically promote more angst and thus, more words.

The river that flowed was insatiable. It was invigorating. I felt alive.

I'm trying to get back into it but it's hard when my muse was always feeling sad and distraught, like I had nowhere else to turn but to the keyboard for solace and understanding.

But at the same time, isn't that what music is for creators? An outlet for emotion, and expressive space where you feel validated because you create something that is representative of you?

I think so. It's weird to think about, my muse being the product of someone else's. But I think artists are similarly inspired by the words they absorb through auditory and visual means. It's beautiful and brilliant; the relationship that exists between creators of all kinds.

We are inspired by life itself and that comes at you in all spectrums.

And that's what writing has always been to me: an outlet for my inspirations and feelings.

So, despite my very happy marriage and life at the moment, I'm throwing on some sad tunes and attempting to figure out what it was that fueled me so long ago. Because even though I know the answer, I'm not ready to be done with writing yet. Even if that looks quite a bit different today.