Rewriting, Rewiring and Remaking

Girl breathe. As much as you want to snap your fingers and have all your problems solved. It’s not going to happen like that. There is a lot of work and rewiring to be done. You don’t think anyone was able to just make magic happen without learning and practicing first. Be patient with yourself.

I’ve been having this talk with myself all day. It’s the unfortunate side to being magical. You have to be willing to work on the negative and realize that more often then not your shadow self and your nervous system are going to po up and question everything. It isn’t all light and love, all the time. As much as it would be nice. And when you have a lot of shadow work to do, you find it hard to place trust in yourself and in the universe. Especially when you are only just starting to rewire how you think and what you trust. Especially in this day and age. It’s almost more reasonable to be a sad, struggling member of average society that everyone can relate to, then be a main character witch energy. Plus you have to get comfortable with people telling you that you are delusional.

In my own case, people often tell me I’m too smart for my own good. I am too aware of reality and that it is in fact not fair and that I should be able to change it. Or they remind me that this is adult life. If I was a different person I could probably accept this and carry on with my life. But if anything it makes me even more stubborn then I already am. I want an adventure to happen. I want my debt to be paid off, and I want it now. And when I don’t see it happening fast my brain tends to cycle through the doubts. And all the What ifs come crashing in. What if I never find a job that gives me passion? What if I never find love? What if I go bankrupt? What if… what if….. what if.

And yet all while going through it I sat down and went okay. I have been in a program for this for almost a year. We have tools to hold space for these emotions, release it. Regulate your nervous system because that is the first step and then we can start manifesting those dreams and being magical. It’s become a habit. I hardly think about it now, I just do it. Which in many ways had made things feel a lot less heavy. But I am by no means perfect at it. And I still fill the tingles in my throat when I won’t speak or feel the fog in my brain when I start to let myself get way in over my head. But because it’s become second nature, its allowed for my guides to come in. Even when I haven’t sat and called to them for what seems like hours. Instead they slip in and remind me of how far I have come and that I have asked for this. I want this to happen.

So as I sat, Hecate sat with me and suggested one simple thing. What if you finished those what ifs with positives? What if you allowed yourself to think of the best case instead of the worst. If you keep thinking the worst your opening doors for those struggles to happen. You manifest the things you don’t want instead of what you do. And that caught me off guard. Because if I was constantly thinking about the worst case scenarios…. Then yeah I was essentially asking the universe to send those to me. Rather then to send the good or the things I desire. I was scream the worst case scenario at the universe and it was going okay, here you go. When I could have been telling it about the things I want instead. Because even in the logical side of it all. Your brain can’t tell the difference to something you imagine to happen and something that has. We can trick our brains very effectively in this matter. And it’s not because our brains are stupid, its because of how we are wired. We’ve all heard the anxiety example of the tiger. Your brain treats the metaphorical tiger the same as a real tiger. It needs to survive. Similarly if we keep repeating phases and patterns to ourself our brain will subconsciously create that reality around us…. Especially if that reality keeps us ‘safe’. And because I have been learning about this in my course and reading different versions of this over and over again I had to really pause. Hecate was right. I needed to be telling myself the good things that could happen and to take it even further I had to be saying the things I wanted to happen. Not the things I was afraid of.

Fear is easy. It’s easy to curl up and ignore the horrible feelings and numb yourself out. It’s why horror movies hardly scare me anymore, while I love them, they aren’t nearly as terrifying as my own inner voice. It is so easy to get back into the doom and gloom narrative because I have lived there for a really long time. It is harder to relearn how to speak to myself and how to allow myself to hope. Because hoping and dreaming leave my perfectionist brain in tangles. It means I have to fail to learn, I have to try things multiple times and I have to be really stubborn if I want to achieve my goals. I have to rewrite my own brain in order to open it up to the magical unicorn I want to be. And I have to do it every single day even when I am not seeing the results. Because I have to trust the results are going to come.

It's a huge mental mind twist. And I have to accept that yeah…. A lot of this is in my head and I can’t explain it. But maybe I’m not meant to. Maybe that’s what the whole leap of faith is for. Or why we have to trust things, even when we don’t want to. Because your never going to fly if you don’t jump first.