Love Unscripted

I don’t understand it at all. How is it so hard to really have a type of love that commits to everything that is said? Will it be wrong for me to just want happiness too? I don’t ask for much in life so why is it cruel to me in this way? I just hoped for a chance to experience something different; I was never given a real chance to experience a real relationship. It is always just a joke on me again. I wake up knowing that a love I dream of is not attainable. I only craft it through my writing because it is good to feel like my world, my masterpiece, will not be shunned down upon. No one will yell at me because of how carefully I craft my stories. No one will harm my characters’ and forget about it afterwards.

From Pandora to California, I created my worlds through words of which I wish were said to me. All of the simple actions of which I wish made me feel more like a Queen than an option. I look at my stories knowing that I would rather make my world for my characters one where it’s built on what I had hoped for, a happy ending. Everything I set up for my characters it's as if I know that its not meant for me at no point and time. You may think it's crazy for me but come one, after abuse, cheating, toxicity consecutively it just makes that hope of love less and less.

Therapy, yeah right. Therapy only did but so much as it’s only a person who listens to my strife every two weeks. I tried everything I could to just make life more manageable even taking things slow with dating. Once again, a big mistake. I felt very alone. I was masking a few things not realizing it was more than that. I felt like I was just looking on while other people are happy having kids, getting married, hell even vacations. I always felt like the odd one out and quite frankly … I still do.

I don’t really understand what more I have to do just to have that. I deserve it after all I have done. I made harsh sacrifices and this feels like one of them. I don’t really understand why it has to come down to me reliving my past just to remind me that no matter what I do it just won’t work. None of it was my fault, but I still live with the burden. I didn;t ask to deal with a family of greed, lies, and betrayal. I didn’t ask to be put in second place. I only did what I was told.

That was my routine; do what you are told and you will be rewarded for your hard work. Well that is rich. I was never taught or told how a person should treat you, let alone what to avoid.It was as if someone had a bigger agenda that only had me as a pawn. And from then on, I knew it was starting to make me crumble.

I was close but I was pulled back for some reason. I don’t get it sometimes. Why am I still waking up to a cold reminder of being alone? Why am I still having to refresh my algorithm to avoid the constant reminder of love I don’t have or never experienced. I keep to myself because I know the goal of relating to people in different spectrums of life will not happen. I mean how can someone relate to me ; a late 20 year old female who doesn’t have a very big social life let alone a romantic life. I have 5 guinea pigs and to think they are my way of finding a different sense of peace from people it’s daunting to me.

I want what I dream of …. But it feels like its only best for people to just enjoy the dreams I give to them. I mean it’s what I am good at other than letting my mask conform to me as a giver to others.