just a simple song

Screw it i been siting here for about 10 minutes wanting to put this down on paper but i just stared at the keyboard for those 10 minutes not knowing the best way to say this so why not just say screw it and be competly. Im sure im gonna go off script a few times with this but apparently, rouge is my strong suit. I mean ask my dad and fly into the sky to ask my mom if they had the bet that i’ll be locked up in jail by the time i saw the date of march 14th in 18 different years. Go ask mr.b if i followed the script or went and got the gang those big macs and the nuggets even tho he did all he could to prevent it, and no Hayley i didn't get hit by that car that day i took longer then usual. Those deacons, the pastor and a few others at that building of faith knows and im sure my peps are beyond annoyed when i remind them but i had no passion to go to that building thats open every sunday. I mean i watched friend after friend betraye me in one way or another, on a side note why did it take 6 of you to take me to one of my knees but ya still expected me to brush it off with a smile. Nah go commit another crime and i’ll see you in 10 to 20. I was watching the women, whose final words to me was muttering the two words of do good, lose the abitly to stand, eat and talk. By the way betty and deb ya still hate the fact that those cops droped those charges since ya some liars aint you. I knew of god but mam i never figured i’ll even look at a bible since there was no point. So why the heck did i walk those 2 hours and shake homie’s hand out there that sunday out by the mailbox? Because you happened. I made up a excuse that i was there for the cross’s of the t but i didnt even know what of the 3 generation of that guy with the same name i was talking to. I probably shouldnt have told that 3rd generation that i came because of you because he put me on that spot when we stood by those chairs after the service and he said do you know josh. We never talked in those hallways that i got smacked by a guy that i bumped in that crowed hallway aint have classes either. You led the way on the courts and the sandlot and i raned those races. So there should have been no way for our paths to cross and now because of my greatest mistake our paths might never cross again.

Everyone tells me to move on because all its doing to hold onto the red string is just making me cry and be haunted by having the writer in me wonder what if. What if you showed up that day your second dad preached the word, what if i didnt freze when you came to my window when i was helping out in connesccion stands at that junior high school football game, what if i never did what i did. However ant man and the future winner of the best animation flim will tell you that i havent even though i’ve surely tried. Heck im pretty sure the entire city of wyoming would you tell because i probably speak bout you to much. Maybe i didnt see those white cars pull into the church parking lot or basically anywhere and get those flashbacks i coud put down this book. Maybe if i didnt remember exactly what i gave the lady that hates the fact i walked two hours to church what i gave you for your birthday back in 2018. 2 birthday cards, a bag of skittles and a bag of starbursts. Maybe if i could just avoid that kane brown song i wouldnt be haunted. Yea that list is a long one if im being honest. I just cant because i just cant let the book close this way. This isnt about you being surrounded in the ring and all hope is lost but then my music hits like stone cold back when the alliance was happening and i clear the ring as the feel good movie ending song plays. And sure maybe at moment of time thats what i wanted but maybe i’ll just piss off all christians here and simply state there might be one miracle the big man upstairs cant pull off unfortunately. However theres still a part of me that one day the choir will be warming up and i’m standing at my front door post greeting some ones and i turn around and your standing there and we simply nod at one another and you walk thru the door that i open for you. Bet that would still put a smile on pastors face. My ex that nearly got me to kill myself down in missuri came into the hotel i got hired at, my cousin that got every shortcut that i got the rejection for breathing showed up so why couldnt you one day. I worked in multiple fast food places so what if i was running front counter and was told a customer was there and i came around the corner to see you standing there. I know you moved on and i just gota hope that the prince that got your butterflies coming out of your halo treats you good so your one true king can smile with a tear next to god as he says look at my daughter being treated right. Even tho i might be a christian im still flawed and a sinner so if i’m being real theres still a part of me that imagines you returning home because he wasnt what he seemed and i get to take out some anger i have from my own mistake onto him.

Now i cant say you were my first crush, and i been around the street block a bit but for a reason i still dont have words for i just havent felt this way before. And it sorta pisses me off because why am i feeling this if theres no way of me getting closure. I messed up, not you. I was the jackass. I was the dumbass. I was the one that broke any chain of a possible friendship. I did all of that to me, all you did was what was best for you. Whats the point of all these emotions and feelings if its just gonna tourture me. You bring out the best in me but also the worst. You were literally the reason that i got my butt off and became a christan but you are the reason why i dont go sit down right away and why i stay standing in the lobby for just a few extra minutes. I’m mad actually i’m pissed at myself for how i treated you back then. I’m disappointed in the fact that i didnt realize my mistake as i just dug the hole deeper and deeper. I’m terrified that i’m gonna feel like this until my despise. I’m worried that he’ll end up hurting you and i cant save someone i care about. I’m ashmand when people ask what brought me to church and i just gonna pick either lie or ackodlege that i came because a girl that wanted to do with me.

Dear sir, you know this isnt the first time i typed up a sentence or two for ya and i’m sure your probably tired of this drama. I mean how many times did i mutter a few words to you by the hot tub. We both know that when you looked at her that first time and ever since, you didnt imagine a man like me coming across her heart cuz why would that thought come across you. Ya probably asking god to strike me down in a bolt of heavenly lightning. But i’ll like to confess something to you that i’m sure my mom is probably telling you about her baby boy. When this nightmare fairytale was created it might have been cuz a stupid little hopeless romantic boy had a bigger crush on your little girl that he should have had but her walking away after my dumb old mistakes is the reason why im a better person today and i just hope that one day i’ll the chance to show her the man that she created.