It's Okay to Have Feelings, So Stop Saying

“I’d rather be honest and authentic and disappoint some people than exhaust myself trying to keep up the façade of perfection.” ~Crystal Paine

So many people walk around each day masking their true feelings because they are considered the “strong one,” “the upbeat, bubbly one,” or, since they give so much of themselves supporting others, they’re not seen as having any emotions other than happy. If you’ve ever felt like you had to hold it together all the time to put up a façade for others, there’s freedom in letting others know that you have emotions too.

Keeping things together has always been my thing. You know the term “never let ’em see you sweat”? Well, even at my toughest times, I would have it all in order and poised for the public, but I’d be silently dying on the inside because of the agony or problems I was going through.

It may take some people off guard to see you be honest, admitting that you don’t have it all together, and at times their replies might leave you hurt. I know that sensation all too well.

A few months ago, I went to an event to support a colleague, and I ran into someone I knew well. He asked me how I was doing, and I answered honestly with, “I’m hanging in there, but I’m fine.”

He instantly made a frown and looked concerned by my reaction. He responded, “Woooooah, you gotta change that. You seem very discouraged, and that’s not what I want to hear from you.”

He went on to remark, “What you said makes me want to back away from you and go in the opposite direction. It’s too much for me. You must always respond with a favorable response.” He then went on to give strategies for me to react in the near future. 

What this guy didn’t know was that I was feeling down and disheartened because I believed I wasn’t as far as I should be in my life and career.

I had poured all of myself into doing things to get the business running consistently; however, whenever I looked at all the effort I put in and saw things not happening as quickly as I thought they should, I felt as if I’d failed. So, it was a trying moment as I went through those many feelings.

At first, I felt horrible about my answer, since with me being called the “upbeat, strong one,” constantly smiling and encouraging people to feel better, there is an expectation of how I should be at all times. I believed I had somehow let that individual down by sharing my actual sentiments at that moment. I also felt embarrassed because I’d exposed a small part of myself and felt like I was rejected and told how I should sound.

But once I thought about it, I realized I was happy with my response since it was an honest answer. I am on a journey of developing actual relationships with people, and I no longer want to “act” and appear to be OK when I’m not.

While this individual didn’t have any bad intent and truly felt he was being helpful in advising me how I should answer, it certainly made it difficult for me to open up to him the following time around.

It made me think about why some individuals attempt to compel others to hide behind a mask. Why do people expect you to constantly be “on”?

This was an opportunity for someone to find out what was genuinely going on with me, to find out why I appeared so sad, and to build a meaningful connection, instead of providing me another mask to wear in his company.

This led me to wonder, when we ask people, “How are you doing?” are we really open to an honest response, or are we looking to hear the template response we so often hear, “I’m fine”?

I also thought about how many people wear a mask every day or keep a façade to avoid showing their humanity and potentially making others feel uncomfortable. The people we interact with every day are carrying worries, concerns, and emotional pain within, and we cannot ask them to put on a fake smiley face and tell them to be on their way. These folks need someone to actually notice them.

If you occasionally conceal your genuine emotions behind a mask, here are a few methods to begin opening up.

Practice honestly interacting with others, even if you start small.

As psychologist Barton Goldsmith noted, “When you open your mouth, you’re also opening your heart. And knowing that someone actually hears what you are experiencing and understands you is comforting to the soul.”

If you’re not used to revealing your heart to others, start small by sharing one item you’re thinking or feeling but may be inclined to keep within. Opening yourself to people will provide you the room to be yourself, and from there you’ll plainly see who’s eager to accept what you have to say with an open heart. You’ll also begin to develop stronger ties via your honest interactions.

Also, be the person who allows others the space to just be and offers support and guidance as needed. Ask about their life, and let them know you’re pleased to be a nonjudgmental ear. Giving people room to share pieces of themselves lets them know you’re there for them and they can be honest with you.

Allow yourself space to feel.

Many times when we avoid sharing our feelings with others, it’s because we haven’t given ourselves space to identify and process our emotions. We try to cover them up or engage in activities to mask the pain, but they don’t go away when we do this. Left unprocessed, our feelings tend to leak out in other ways. For example, we may overreact in unrelated situations.

Give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel, without judgment, and learn to recognize when you’re lying to yourself, telling yourself you’re “fine” when you’re not. The first step to being honest with others is being honest with yourself.

Be kind to yourself.

We tend to beat ourselves up when we do not respond, act, speak, or think how others believe we should. This can put pressure on us to shift to meet everyone else’s needs without truly acknowledging our own.

Get in the habit of checking in with yourself and meeting your emotional needs, whether that means processing your feelings in a journal or practicing self-care. The more you respect your truth and your needs, the better you’ll be able to communicate them to others.

It’s a heavy burden to hide behind a façade or wear a mask. Allow yourself to experience the freedom of being authentic in each moment and making genuine connections with people who can receive your feelings.

There’s power in putting down your superhero cape, being vulnerable, and sharing your truth. You don’t have to hide, pretend, or feel bad about not always being the “strong one.” You’re not weak; you’re human, and you never have to apologize for that.