I Will Choose Suffering

I fully understand how painful this period is for me—reaching a point where I seem calm and indifferent on the outside, but inside, I’m burning.

When even taking a breath feels like the greatest achievement, I watch the world continue to move and change around me, and time never stops, while I remain frozen, unable to move.

I open my eyes each morning, reminding myself there's another day I must face, even though I lack the energy to get up. Inside, I feel so fragile that the smallest situation could break me. Having no strength left to fight against what’s happening around me, that's why I retreat from the world.

We all have our struggles, but some suffering is unique, visiting us only once or twice in a lifetime. It feels like being at the bottom of the ocean, with its weight pressing down on me. No one can help or rescue me—not a single soul. I endure this pain alone, with my weary heart.

Even though there are people who love and care for me, their advice and consolation feel unbearable. I wish to disappear just to escape hearing any of it. The problem is not in them but the situation is out of my control.

Even a simple "How are you?" feels more painful than a dagger to the heart.

I try to express what I feel, but the words barely escape, lost in the chaotic storm of emotions I can’t explain. Words fail to capture the depth of my pain, so I retreat into the only refuge left—silence.

I will not lie; I thought that this suffering was a disaster, and I do not know why it happened to me despite my precautions. Though I’ve faced many difficulties, this one was different.

One day when I was drowning in my thoughts, a question crossed my mind as I lay on my bed: If I were given the choice between enduring this suffering or resolving my problem immediately, what would I choose? After drifting off for a moment, I found myself choosing my suffering, despite everything.

I won’t sugarcoat it; I chose suffering even as tears streamed down my cheeks. I know the weight of my feelings, and even if the world gathered to ease my pain, they wouldn’t lighten it.

I was shocked by my choice despite my pain and began searching for the reason behind it. So I reflected on my past self and compared it to who I am now.

Reflecting on my journey, I imagined myself without it, and I thought about what it added to me. I discovered that my suffering completely changed the course of my life. I got to know Allah and understood life more deeply. I grasped the philosophy of suffering, and my personality and outlook transformed.

Strangely, my life story changed; it was one thing, and now it’s something entirely different. My goals and way of thinking shifted, as if a storm swept everything away, allowing me to build something new.

Life is not without suffering, but some suffering is profoundly different. It's so intense that it breaks your back and shatters your heart. However, this very suffering alters the course of your story, marking the beginning of a new chapter.

I told you such suffering comes only once or twice in a lifetime; it’s unforgettable and stays in your mind during every challenge, serving as proof of your strength.

Afterward, you will live life in a completely different way.

At this stage, you will define who you are. With tears in your eyes, you will let go of certain things and go through new experiences. You will take risks and confront challenges. It won't be easy, and at many times you'll be about to give up even though from this point, your transformation will begin, writing from this exact point the first line about life, achievement, and happiness.

If someone asks you to talk about yourself and your success, you will start from here. This chapter will serve as a lesson for your future self and advice for others, easing their suffering. You will resonate with them deeply, just like the stories of successful individuals who often begin by sharing their tough struggles before they say, "Then everything changed."

I know that everyone has their own story and struggles. But remember that your suffering, despite its intensity, will be the miracle that brings transformation and change.

Solutions will arise from places where you thought there were none.

I write this to my future self: When you free yourself from your suffering, please let me know what happened. I am eagerly waiting for you to respond to my words and share how your life has changed.