I Remember

"The only way to learn is to live."

-Matt Haig

I knew I was meant to write something for this challenge on Vocal. I just didn’t know what to write or where to start. So I took out some paper, and I compiled a list of things about myself and went from there.

Who am I?

My name is Chloe.

I am someone’s mother.

Someone’s partner.

Someone’s daughter.

Someone’s sister.

Someone’s friend.

I am a writer, a dreamer, a creative soul trapped on a dying planet.

I sat with this list of things about myself for a moment, and continued to write.

I’ve always been an odd duck, who struggled to fit in. It's why I buried myself in books. The comfort I feel while reading, heals every piece of my overthinking brain. It's like the world shuts down for a little while and I just hyper fixate on the words. Every chapter, every line, every word- heals a part of me that needed to be healed.

I'm apologetic; I apologize for my existence. I don't know why I am hardwired this way. And no it's not because I'm Canadian.

I'm learning to love the pieces of myself that other's don't find so loveable and cherish the pieces of me that are beautiful; the pieces that deserve to be loved.

I racked my brain for this challenge. I have written so much about my life on this platform that it is kind of hard to pick a moment to write about that hasn’t already been said.

I reflected on my childhood a little bit while writing this and compiled another list.

I remember screaming and crying on the Zipper for the first time with my cousin. That was one of the best summers of my entire life. We don't even talk now. We drifted apart after I had children. I hope she's doing well.

I remember reading Twilight by Stephanie Meyer for the first time at our family cabin when I was ten years old. That novel sparked a full-fledged addiction into fantasy novels. Prior to discovering fantasy novels, I was reading Beverly Cleary.

I remember bawling my eyes out at 15 years old while smoking a cigarette I stole from my mother because I wanted to end my life so badly. I felt so unloved, unwanted even though that is so far from the truth.

I remember feeling horribly responsible for my parent's divorce and the tears my middle brother shed, and the joy my youngest brother had at the possibility of having two of everything.

I remember the first time I crossed the highway. May not seem like a big deal to most but it was for me. I was ten years old and an overly cautious child. I was hanging out with a group of my elementary school friends and I knew I wasn't allowed to cross the highway but I did anyways. It's not like our city was enormous enough for me to be that cautious but it was my mother's rule.

I remember spending my summers camping with my late auntie and uncle. I had some of the best times exploring the various lakes and campgrounds we spent time at.

When I think of my adult years, all I want to remember is memories with my children and the love that I have for them. They are truly wonderful humans and I thank every force in the universe for gifting me with such great kids.

The rest of life, is just filler. My children are my everything, my entire world. Even though I didn't follow life down to the letter, I will never regret being their mother. They ground me when I'm ungrounded, they made me laugh when I felt like crying, they sewed every broken piece of me that they didn't break. That's a lot of weight on some little shoulders but it's my truth.

There is a song floating in my brain. It's called I Remember Everything by Zach Bryan. It's a love song, but it suits the flow of this post.

"I remember, I remember everything."

Through all the good and the bad that life throws your way, you can make a memory out of a moment. I don't have a single stand alone memory that reminds me that I am alive because being alive is such a gift. I don't want to waste it. So I'm finding the beauty in the mundane. The magic in day to day living.

If you're like me, you drown in your memories. You can what if life to death. What if I hadn't changed schools? Would I have graduated on time? Would I still have my friend group from high school? What if I hadn't been too insecure to go out with that new friend? Would we be mom friends? So do yourself a favor pick a few of the good ones to focus on. Don't let your past define your future. There are better days coming to you if you just continue to hold on to that hope that they are out there. Life is a story worth living.

I'm choosing to move forward with my life and leave all the bad behind me. This is a new chapter in this crazy story that we call life. I am claiming this next season to be better than my last. And learning to love every piece of myself because I deserve to be loved

Thanks for listening to my late night ramblings.

Chloe Rose Violet 🌹