I’m finding it hard to write anything

British spelling

If you are looking for writing solutions this is not for you. I have no solutions to any problems right now. Not even to mine.

You see, as I write this, I have a tear rolling down my cheek. It’s true. I was not going to say this because it makes me feel bad. But can anything make me feel worse?

You see, this is not just a problem because I don’t seem to be too happy with anything I have written lately. This is a problem because as it happens, writing is what I actually do for a living. No writing means no real income. So yeah, it’s worrisome.

How did I get here? It was a slow process. I think I didn’t even notice what was happening. A few days ago, I was talking on the phone with my sister and she said “what happens is that you are depressed.” And it kicked me.

“What?” I didn’t say anything. But I thought about it a lot. I have covered my mirror with a curtain because I don’t recognise myself. It means I go out the few times I go out without looking at myself.

They say your reflection on a mirror is the reflection of how you feel.

There you have it. I don’t even want to look at how I feel right now.

What do I plan on doing? Good question. I will try to think about it here and now:

- I will never stop writing. I am a perfectionist and demand too much of myself. This time, I will put perfection in a box (I’ll try, at least) and will lock it for a while.

- I will never stop writing. If that’s the only sentence I can write, that’s all I will write.

- I will never stop writing. I will write on a paper notebook at least once a day. I will write about my emotions and how I feel that day. I will then tear up the page and set it on fire somewhere safe.

- I will never stop writing. I will do the above because I think my emotions are blocking me. My emotions are overwhelming me and I don’t know what to do with them. I am not at peace with how I am feeling.

- I will never stop writing. I have been looking into photography as a career alternative. But really, do I have right now the strength a career change takes? Plus, how is photography better paid than writing?

- I will never stop writing. And for a while, I will just show up without a plan. I will sit here and write about whatever flows into my mind in more or less something that makes at least some sense.

- I will never stop writing. Since now I can feel it is, indeed, working, I will keep on writing about how I actually feel which is something I have always avoided, or avoided most of the time.

- And I will never stop writing until I am satisfied again with my own writing, especially the one that pays the bills.

Lastly, not everything has to be a masterpiece or entertaining. There are times that unless we fix out emotions and ourselves first, nothing else will come out no matter how much we force it.

Because, at the end of the day, we are just emotional beings trying to survive in a world of emotions. So why should I hide mine when they are not pretty?

Every writer every once in a while goes through some frustrating period and lack of motivation or inspiration.

Every writer every once in a while must escape the maze of emotions and find a new way to be at peace with a blank page.

I will never stop writing because writing is what I do if I call myself a writer. That’s it.

I’ve done it. I’ve written something. Now I will have a well deserved cup of tea.

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About the writer: Susan Fourtané is a science and technology journalist, professional writer, dead media archeologist, photography enthusiast, a free-spirited maverick, and sometimes a hermit. She travels capturing the essence of what she thinks it’s interesting.