I'm a writer... Who's afraid to write.

I’m a writer.

Eight year old me still giggles inside whenever I write that. Or say it. Or dream it. Or - you get the picture.

Actually, so does twenty-something me as well.

So, I’m a writer, but - I’m afraid to write.

Petrified.

Scared stiff.

I can spend many joyous nights lying in bed, fantasising about my next great writing sprint. I can imagine the picturesque scene playing out to the minute detail. Can see me furiously typing away, notebooks open all around me, scribbles written down at all angles. I can picture myself in cafes, surrounded by the hustle and bustle of life, feeling all giddy that no-one there knows that little ole me is squirrelled away in the corner writing a book.

All of these fantasies I have down pat.

But, when it comes to the actual nitty-gritty of sitting my bum down to write, however.

I freeze.

I think, ‘I’ll start fresh tomorrow’.

'I don’t have any good ideas today.'

'I need more time to stew on this idea before I commit it to a word doc.' (conveniently forgetting that a word doc is easily delete-able and restart-able)

'I would only be able to manage a few words so why bother starting up the laptop.'

Ultimately, what it boils down to is this - I have somewhere along the line, merged the borders between me, myself and I as a human being and me as a writer.

What I write on a day-to-day basis has become so much a part of how I weigh my self-worth, that I struggle to see any differentiation between the two.

The ever wonderful Pinterest somehow knew to show me a pinned tweet on this topic.

It called this phenomenon ‘Ego Involvement’ and stated that ‘the fastest way to kill motivation is to make your identity depend on the outcome. It’s called Ego Involvement. When failing becomes failing as a person, you start avoiding the whole thing. Not because you don’t care, but because you care too much.’ (said by @bluewmist)

It’s also been referred to as 'contingent self-worth - where the quality of your writing directly dictates your value as a human.'

And honestly? I’m so fed up with this ever deepening hole of ‘writing avoidance = low self worth = avoid writing = low self worth = avoid writing’ cycle.

It makes me feel less and less “qualified” to wear the ‘I’m a writer badge’ with pride.

So, I’ve decided to make a change.

To say enough's enough and push through this behemoth roadblock once and for all. (doubtful that this will be a one time fight but a girl can dream).

Having recently been inspired by Martina of NerdForge fame, who made a Youtube video titled, ‘I hate perspective painting. So I did it for 100 hours’, I have decided to do something similar.

I will write.

For 100 hours.

Now this is not a non-stop kind of mad-scientist vibe.

I am purely going to write as much as possible, as frequently as possible, until I reach 100 hours.

But as well as actually sitting down and writing, I want this 100 hours to be an overall time of investment in my writing. So, yes that will hopefully look like 95 hours of writing. But also, watching a talk on creative writing, learning about the art of storytelling, brainstorming new story/poem ideas, etc. etc.

Whatever “qualifies” as investing into me as a writer and my writing, will be in the 100 hours.

I also plan to do check-ins around every 10 hours or so.

So, all in all, I’m not sure what kind of writer I will be by the end of this challenge.

Honestly, I have too big a mountain to climb before I can even think about that right now.

I don’t plan to track wordcount or story progress or anything like that.

Just write.

And invest in my writing.

For 100 hours.

And hope beyond hope that by hour 100, I’m a writer who is a little less terrified of writing.

So, here goes nothing.

I’ll see you in 10 hours.