Every Man She's Ever Loved

EVERY MAN IN MY LIFE BETRAYED ME

Every man I ever loved, looked up to, admired.

-it’s sad, but it’s what happened to me-

😞😞😞

I am open here because I want to be. You know, facing childhood neglect, there are lots of things I never got to express. Feelings emotions, frustrations.

I find that my self expression here helps me in a way with that. I just feel like sometimes I have this energy that I need to get out somehow. I appreciate everyone here who follows me.

I don’t always talk about cupcakes and rainbows, and a lot of times the stuff I post can probably be very sad to the onlooker from outside. Those things used to make me sad and tear up. Now I’m strong enough to share those feelings with the world which feels really good, normally I criticize myself so harshly, even for something as innocent as one of my goofy dancing videos.

I wonder then why I’m so harsh on myself. I came here to make people smile and to entertain and to be a light for others. Those are all the things that I was put down for growing up. Expression, showing emotion. Showing any semblance of real feelings, was forbidden. 🚫

When you grow up in a house where you are told it’s not okay to feel so deeply, you grow up miserable and wanting basically to die, I’m gonna be real. Then, you have to learn to navigate the world around you with these big feelings and no one around to talk to about them, and no one that will understand those feelings like you.

Then it becomes a story of social isolation, divorce, and misery. I guess you could say I haven’t had the best experiences with caregivers in my life. I wish I had. I wished to be that sporty, spunky little girl who always wanted to build stuff, just like her dad. Thing is, that dream was shattered a long time ago. How we hide from what we fear; from the world that rejected us, from the people that we thought were supposed to always love us and support us.

When they stop texting “I love you” back, it’s almost like at this point you know they aren’t even wanting to pretend. They don’t care. A girl shouldn’t have to feel all of this when she thinks about her father and her brother, the two men in her life that she looked up to the MOST.

Her brother was a genius, and her dad knew a lot about building things, and at one point, she liked to sit there for hours and watch them build computers. But that was a long time ago. A long, long, long time ago.

I know Father's Day is over, but I wrote this yesterday. I've never fully expressed that pain; that feeling that eats away at you if you have a dysfunctional relationship with your family. It's hard. I get by, but I still always remember, and I try t remember the good times, even when I'm feeling sad.