Dumb Driving

I honestly don’t even know where to begin, LED headlights or leaving a football field between you and the car in front of you, but today’s drivers are so damn stupid that I want to stay off the road. Nevermind speed limits being minimums and lanes being mere suggestions, turn signals being deployed only when staying on the straightaway, and driving slow in the fast lane, these morons driving around with their highbeams on will be the death of us all.

First, when did it become acceptable for highbeams to be the default? Why does anyone need their brights on at dawn or dusk? Or in a suburban neighborhood with streetlights? Automatically dimming? Not before the driver meeting you becomes legally blind. I’m so fed up with these lazy assholes I don’t know what to do. Driving home on the interstate some nights is like driving into a broadway stage or the loading dock of a spaceship, and half the cars in my neighborhood appear to be hunting down fugitives.

When I finally take my exit, I end up at a red light behind six drivers who clearly don’t have insurance; otherwise, they would stop in the same zip code as the car in front of them. It makes me want to scream, this leisurely leaving of space as if there aren’t people behind them who could use that space they’re wasting. Sometimes I sit through two or three light changes because of these dumbasses leaving enough space for a helicopter to land between the cars at a red light. I refuse to conform— if I pull up behind you in stopped traffic, you can guarangoddamntee that I will be right on your bumper. And when you pull up a couple of inches, so will I, and when you glare at me from your rear view mirror, I hope you can read my lips when I say “dumber than a box of rocks.” I’m over all of this stupidity on the road. Kill your highbeams and pull up like you understand traffic. Thank you for attending my TEDtalk.