Can you write something happy for once?

Reading back a few of my stories, I felt guilty that I had allowed my family to read them, too. As if I had left my diary carelessly open on the kitchen counter. During a conversation with my uncle, he said that he can tell I am doing better because my stories do not worry him as much. 'They still worry me,' he said, 'but not as much as they did before.' Even, reuniting with an old colleague, he asked me, 'Can you write something happy for once?'

So, I tried to write something happy. The only thing I could think of was to list the positive moments, or lessons, from the week. Once my list reached three points, I knew the article would not be worth writing. It was so boring. I may be a sad writer, but at least what I write is good and means something. I could not bring myself to create something so trite and meaningless.

Last summer, I had an idea for a book. It began as a novella, then a novelette, then a short story. Currently, it is nothing. I have outlined the story, it is simple but beautiful. I have the scenes in my head as if I have already directed the movie. But, I just cannot get the words out. I tried typing them, nothing. I bought a fancy notebook to write in instead, I wrote half a page of words and crossed them all out.

You may recall my recent trip to Rhodes where I mentioned an experiment I began conducting. An experiment to stop my longing – with the hope it would make me more present. It seems my experiment has been so successful that I can no longer write my book. When I had the idea, it was heavily inspired by my longing to return to a hot island and a bad man. While I think about stepping into that sea almost every day, that longing does not make me depressed like it once did. It seems that my depression was fuel for the story.

In "A Paris Trilogy" where Colombe Schneck recites her conversation with an author, she writes:

A few years ago, I asked a famous novelist: would you rather enjoy an idyllic love affair and write a bad book or experience an unhappy love affair and write a good book? She answered write a good book. Without a doubt, I would choose the first option. I would much rather he came back to me and this book was no good.

I do not believe there is a good writer who is not sad. Who is not angry or lonely or mentally ill. I do not believe anybody chooses to be a writer, it is something that is bestowed upon them when they have nowhere to put their sorrow. When I had the idea for my book, it was not because I wanted to write a book – rather, I needed to. Now, that I am no longer feeling that crippling longing to be somewhere else, I cannot write about it authentically. And, truly, is that not a good thing?

Something else I have come to accept is that I may never be a happy writer. How could I possibly be with a diagnosis for depression and anxiety? My mental illness cannot step to the side for a moment while I sit down to write. So, if you are reading my work and thinking, This is so depressing, there is a reason for that. Though, I would like to believe that my work is hopeful, too. There is always a lesson to it, a question to consider, an ambition to continue moving forward despite the dark clouds in the sky.

A writer constantly questions, What is my voice? What should I be writing? What should I leave behind when my soul has risen? Now, I know what it is I write best – life. I adore writing about my travels, and knowing that no travel magazine would ever want to hire me. Because I write about my encounters with strangers, the small moments that felt significant, the times I was lonely and sad. I cannot leave my depression at home while I go on an adventure. The point is, I am still going on the adventure. And, I will write about it. Because writing is one of the things that truly makes me happy.