A Long Battle with Instant Gratification

Over the years, I've made myself available to random people who have questions about my transition. Sometimes, people contact me about surgeries, becoming a parent, or dealing with family, and those who don't accept them. When I talk to people who identify as trans about transitioning, I always place importance on thinking about the longer-term YOU. I made a lot of poor decisions initially. I can't say with certainty the decisions I've made and have internal conflicts with until this point in my transition will be another person's internal challenges.

I was with a client late Wednesday night who explained to me she was feeling defeated with the decision of whether to start hormone replacement therapy (HRT). I did what any good therapist would do; I validated her. Medically transitioning is such a beautiful experience, but once you start, the world takes this as an open invitation to tell you what's right and what's wrong. There are people with big platforms that have become the GODs of what makes a person "trans enough," and it has people frequently questioning themselves.

When I started HRT, I was over the moon, but I know today that I rushed into my process with some things. Now, please don't confuse my reflection with regret. My road to developing a relationship with masculinity would have been more of an internal soul-searching based on long-term goals if I had a chance to do it over again and not the instant rewards of passing as a man. Instead, I started working on myself from the outside inward.

What got in my way was a long-time battle with instant gratification. Instant gratification is the desire to feel satisfied immediately. It usually looks like doing whatever in the short term. I know that relationship started way before my understanding of gender identity. I wanted a quick fix to the discomfort that I was experiencing (this way be a bit watered down)

Gender dysphoria is painful AF. There are ways to deal with the pain that don't involve placing a bandage over it and hoping it goes away.

Where did I go wrong with my process.....

When I started identifying as a masculine person, I wanted the binary road to what it meant to be a man in society. I didn't think about what I thought a man could be in society. I wasn't in touch with my value system (not the one I inherited.) I had pictures of people like Laith that inspired external results. He is BEAUTIFUL, but the problem for a long time was he was the token boy for the community. Ten years ago, if you googled transgender men, his photo was the only one you would see. This is not the case anymore, but it was something I believe I had to achieve to be a transgender person.

Facebook communities are great, but a lot of them are very white, and if they do have black people in them, they don't speak. There is a lot of binary language used in them and a lot of toxic masculinity. I recently saw a question that said, "Why do non-binary people take T?" as if identifying a certain way is required. I went to Facebook for a lot of information. It was nice to see a space dedicated to the community, not the first stop for information by any means.

Not involving my family. The first time I told my mother, she asked me, "What are you ashamed of? Who cares what people think." I am still processing and finding my balance with this, even almost a decade later. The reality is I know people can have no contact with their family that's not an option for me. My mother is my world. The battle is real, but I put the weapons down and have been more curious about how to let her love me in her way combined with what I need.

Lastly, It would have been nice to know more about walking through life as a Black man in America. In my therapy sessions with people who don't know if they want to socially come out, I always ask them, "What does giving up privilege mean to you?" or "What does gaining privilege mean to you?" This question starts a whole lot of conversation because when I decided to transition I gained some privilege, but I lost some too.