This Traveler's Fear

A plane took me to another shore but fear put me on that jet.

The fear of sleeping on all of the things I haven't done yet

and waking from dreams asking me how much I would bet.

I'd bet a lot to live that life, I'd say behind closed eyelids.

But eyes on the back of my head kept my brain in remiss,

always critiquing my gait by the map of my footprints.

Some footprints were deep and clean as a cookie cutter.

Others were messy and elongated like a makeshift gutter

where I slowly shuffled along as if my step had a stutter.

The steps brought me to the sea and I looked into the distance.

Watching the sun sink beneath the water gave me confidence

to follow it around the corner and take up a new residence.

Now I reside as a foreigner and my livelihood is bare bones.

See, I fled my hometown to figure myself out on my own

but what I've learned is that even to myself I am unknown.

Every day my reflection shows me the same unfamiliar face.

I thought I left my past behind when I came to this place,

that all my mistakes and the things I hate I could efface.

But it turns out that it's the same soul behind these eyes.

The same thoughts and the same shame-filled lies

that I tell myself to protect my heart from surprise.

If I don't have any hope then my hope can't be betrayed.

At least that's what I'd say until I sat with my heart and stayed

until it told me that without hope it forgot how to be afraid.

It told me it missed being afraid of sleeping on my dreams.

It missed the fear of losing a bet to all of the scared screams

in my head telling me to not engage with adventure's schemes.

My heart felt the absence of fear when it stopped caring.

It got comfortable living without hope so it stopped daring

and lost interest in anything the world could be sharing.

Now I remember what brought me across the sea.

It was hope for the sun and fear of it setting without me

if I remained on the shore of my unfulfilled destiny.

Yes, fear got me on that plane so many months ago.

And hope is what keeps me here when I feel low

because I still have a lot about myself and others that I'll get to know.