Diarist: Alaska ~ The Return of Ugh

Alaska

The first time I went to Alaska, I was working on the Alaska Marine Highway as a Third Assistant Engineer. This series of Diarist Entries will present my journal entries over the two weeks I worked onboard the ferry Malispina. I'm excited to start this series because sea journals, narrative ballads/sea poetry, old sailor yarns, and the like have been very imactful on my writing and art! The entire Diarist concept but especially this series reflects my lineage as a mariner poet.

A new entry in the Alaska series will be published every Thursday for the next 13 weeks. :) Follow along babes! Also feel free to reach out if you want to chat about Alaska over email with me//be featured as a collaborator in the series! Woof.

This entry is about adjusting to new work enviornments, getting to know new coworkers, committing to melodrama, and being displaced between time zones. Also, a poem about buying Pamplemousse LaCroix.

May 04, 2016

I just woke up, normal time, did my normal routine, and started my day (albeit at 10 pm)…. in the mess the clock said it was 940 when usually that would be 1040. The ship clock couldn’t be wrong could it? We just left Alaska and started down the Canadian coast, but that shouldn’t have affected it. The ship always operates on Alaskan time. And it would be an hour ahead if the time had changed—oh shit, my phone changed automatically. I was up a whole hour earlier than I had thought. That’s okay though because I was going to try to get up at nine anyway. Good thing I snoozed that alarm Being up at 8 would make this watch super long.

Today was alright. I am finally getting the hang of start ups and shutdowns. It’s really not hard. It was a struggle to stop using my notepad as a crutch, but now that I’ve got the routine in my head it’s all good. The standbys early this morning were with the chief, and he is very particular about how it is done. Even if the ways he wants it done are different from what the first told me. He went on a talk about how dealing with the bridge needs to be done exactly according to routine, so as not to distract and confuse from the normal set of plans. Which was frustrating because I was still learning the routine and he was lecturing me as if I was just neglecting it. At the same time, the engine operations are not to be done according to a memorized routine. For those you have to actually think about every step that you’re doing. I see that and understand that, but when you’re just learning the steps they take on here it can be a bit overwhelming. It’s not a ton to think about, but remembering what to do and in what order is just as important as knowing what’s happening to me.

I like to think that I take a long time to learn because I want to know exactly what I’m doing and then always do it correctly. Maybe that’s not totally true, because I can still be careless. I’m justifying my slow learning since “I’m a fast learner” is a go to line in interviews, and I am. I can learn quickly but it takes me a long time to feel comfortable.

The chief is an interesting character. He loves to talk, but is slightly off in social awareness. For instance, he will keep talking even as the other guy is clearly uncomfortable (as I often am when I don’t know people very well). He dropped off my key yesterday and talked through my doorway about the boat I was on before this, how he was trying to get on there, how his grandmother went to Columbia University, how his sister was a top lawyer. All while I stood just inside my door nodding and smiling and being awkward. And this morning he talks about how he’s going to buy a plane, he’s going to use it for this or that, he’s moving to Mexico. I ask a question to move the conversation along, and he either doesn’t hear it or doesn’t care and keeps talking about what he just was talking about. He’s either a little deaf or very self-important. He wants to start a marijuana cafe on a boat in Ketchikan, so all the cruise tourists will stop there and make him more than he makes on here.

After six AM, the first takes the standbys and is just around for the workday. He called me out on not doing rounds. Which I KNOW I am supposed to do, but [name redacted] is always out doing different oiler things whenever we’re not on standby, so I haven’t gotten that many chances to. But having him feel like he needed to tell me to do rounds made me feel pretty shitty. I felt like I was doing even this easy job terribly, that I was useless. I even went to the bad place where I think “you should die, you should die, what’s wrong with you” subconsciously. Is it bad that those are my go to mantras when I feel embarrassed and anxious? Earlier I had felt a little useless because the job requires so little and I hardly know anything about this boat, but this confirmed it and really made me feel like crap. It’s okay though, I will just do a round first thing this morning. I also can’t get the watertight door open to shaft alley so that’s going to be a problem.

After that was the CG quarterly drill, nothing big. Reading Glimmer Train. I did not go up and work out. Today I will, or else I will be asleep by 1300, which is not an option.

Now is the time I have been getting up. Knowing that I have an hour and a half until I need to be down is making me want to lie down and “sleep” but I know that I’ll only sleep the last half hour and then I’ll wake up and feel drowsy and depressed all day.

I’m trying to keep it positive. Keep it good. I’m fine and great and awesome. I wish I was better at my job. I feel like I’m not super good at anything. I’m the most mediocre person at every single thing. Which is disappointing. I need to be great at something, even if it is just one small thing. My morning routine does help. My mindfulness meditations have been very good and focused. Today there was an asshole playing with a spoon and bowl, so I switched to a sound meditation to just accept it and it worked!

Well since I have so much time I’m going to try to write, and if I can’t write I will read. I wish I had some coffee is all.

I'm not mad at you I'm just mad